?

sa wakas.

2005-01-25T17:11:00.000-08:00

sa wakas. it's been exactly 20 days since i last got hold of this thing. hahaha.

we've only started to go to school last january 3, yet it doesn't feel that way. i guess we have all the projects to thank for that. hehe. seryoso, mukha na tayong mga projects. wala na kong ibang nadinig kung hindi projects, projects at projects. saka tilaok ng manok. kasi ibig sabihin nun umaga na pero di pa ko natutulog. hahahaha. ang labo.

anyway, wachu think? aren't those kinds of meetings supposed to clarify stuff in a way? i thought they're supposed to give someone a clearer perspective, a more understandable thought about things? well, last friday's session did otherwise to me. don't you think violence is such a strong word? hello. violence means blood. and killing. and murder. the heck. she doesn't even know him. that's the whole point. she was not supposed to give me a blunt no if she was sensitive enough to intuit that i was expecting a more considerate yes. i never knew him as someone like that. he was never anything like that. would i love him this much if he were?

oh life. the only predictable thing about you is your unpredictability.

we went to loan's yesterday. thoughts of the past came surging in. add to that the date. it was january 24th.

school's been really a drag. i don't know how you guys survive 'cause i die every night. for some reason, i am revived every morning. hahahaha. ang labo.

every night, as i take a shower to get ready for bed, i'd wish for the water to take with it down the drain the pain my body had been complaining about, and the anxiety my mind had been trying to conquer. that way, all my troubles would be lost, streaming through those pipes under the ground.

then, i'd be turning out the lights and hit the sack. i'd soon be lost and absorbed in a temporary numbness that would last for only a few hours. the most is 6, the least would probably be 2. all the nuisance will then start to bother someone else, for i will surely no longer respond to its attempts to make my day miserable. i'd soon be oblivious to the world, journeying to a place where all fantasies start to unveil and reality is nothing but a mere, putrid memory.

then in the morning, my body would sense that imperative instance of awakening. i would then open my eyes and see complete darkness, a mere sheet of nothingness. and probably after one complete spin of the longer hand around the clock, sunlight would start to fill the room. though it entails great persistence, and the yawns are just too impossible to be withheld, it feels good to witness daybreak.

it's another day for school. time to sit back and enjoy the chaotic, yet progressive ride.

hehe.

it's a wednesday.

2005-01-05T03:14:00.000-08:00

last monday was the first day of school for the year 2005. i guess it was okay. we never really did much anyway. we just rechecked the finals and got to know our scores. i felt really sleepy throughout the whole day. i felt like a complete wreck. i haven't been able to sleep properly for the past few days. i'd usually hit the sack by 9, but i'd drift off to sleep at around 11 past. i know. it sucks.

tuesday. early dismissal.

stats. i'm a bit confused with the fpc thingy. or cpf? pcf? whatever. i forgot. lol. i don't know how to really do it, but i arrive at the correct answer anyway. oh well.

then pe. i really hate it when we're asked to bring our uniforms when we won't really use them. it's not that it's such a big trouble to bring it but there are some people i know who always gets on the verge of forgetting that wednesdays are pe days, and just hurrily packs it only a couple of minutes before her bus arrives. it's sad. lol.

we talked about drugs. i yawned every 2 minutes of that whole freaking hour.

i hated algebra. i hated that quiz. i think my brain popped out while i was trying to solve number 5 or something. then after we have passed our papers, i was shivering. haha. i felt like my mouth was jumping up and down. i was really trembling like crazy. my fingernails were also rather dark. i felt really cold. kalals said i probably just stressed myself out with the quiz.

we had the HARDEST experiment paper in bio. lol.

english was fun. i enjoyed watching that japanese documentary thing. i liked it when they said that samurais believed their sword has a soul; and that when his soul and the sword's would merge, unity is attained between the samurai and his weapon. therefore, it is not the samurai that kills, but rather it is the sword that does so. the samurai becomes merely a thing that holds it.

well, i liked it but in a different sense. it actually killed me. kim and i thought it was stupid. sorry :P hehe. it's just that it's like they were trying to look for an excuse or something just so they won't be accused of committing sin.

and what exactly is up with their honor? i know it means a lot to them but why on earth would you die for it? it's like they can't accept defeat.

okay, i'll stop babbling. a samurai might jump in my window tonight and sabotage me or something for saying all those stuff.

then there was filipino. we just read florante and answered some questions. sir flubert [naks! close kami!] sub-ed. didn't i just see ms delfin this morning? or maybe i really didn't.

anyway, i'm reading this book. it's called, "a catcher in the rye". it's great but uses a bit of a foul language. it's interesting though, because the guy in the story is really eloquent and hysterically talkative. he thinks a lot. and he thinks funny too. haha.

anyway. i;m almost done with our cl powerpoint. i only have to do 2 slides which i think i can finish tomorrow since i'm waiting for sir delos santos to fill me in with his lecture anyway. i just hope he doesn't ask for a diskette of this tomorrow 'cause i can't give it to him for two main reasons. first, our a drive is busted so i can only burn it in a cd. second, well of course, it's not yet done. lol. sorry groupmates. i'll finish it though by tomorrow. i promise :D

it's pretty fun to sit in the back. it's like you have the whole world right there before your eyes. you can see practically everyone, practically everything. except for the board. it's as if we have our own world back there. we can talk and all that with everyone else barely noticing us. i won't suggest it though, that you sit in the back. i'd still really rather sit in front. 'cause that's the thing. you have your own world there so you're somewhat alienated. you're so far away from civilization. so if you're sitting somewhere near the board, or anywhere in the first few rows, good for you.

well, i think things has been going smoothly in school. all the pressures and chaos are actually very much typical already nowadays. it's really nothing to be surprised about or anything.

tomorrow's a thursday. art? ugh.

lol.

happy new year :D

2004-12-31T06:29:00.000-08:00

it's christmas eve.

well, the 29th of december had passed without anything happening. oh c'mon. get a grip. i wasn't really expecting something to happen. it's just that i've been quite off lately. i have no idea why this thing's bothering me.

time will tell? =))

happy new year to everyone.

wala lang!

2004-12-27T18:31:00.000-08:00

naiinis na ako sa'yo. pero salamat at pinangiti mo ako. pero mali parin eh. may ginawa kasi akong kakaiba kagabi sa'yo. akchuli, hindi ako natuwa. hindi maganda. nakakainis. isang katangahan. tsktsk. ayoko na sa'yo. pero malabo. pero wala akong care! basta ayoko na sa'yo. ayoko na. :-l

lol. ang drama. ano yun? telenobela? hahaha.

so, kamusta mga christmas nyo? ako merry. hahaha.

wala akong magawa.

happy new year nalang. tinatamad akong mag-kwento. sa susunod nalang mga ka-tropa. hahaha. babay :D

kitakits sa enero.

it was great to see you.

2004-12-24T13:37:00.000-08:00

the scenes in my dream are already rather vague in my memory as i speak. we were crossing the street, headed to a building i don't think i am quite familiar with. i was to meet up with my friends but for some reason, i never did. we went up and i saw polcab. she was with pam. then i showed you our classroom. a meeting was being held. micmac was there. and so were some teachers i have failed to remember.

then we were in another room all of a sudden. you sat on a green sofa, and i sat beside you. we started to talk and laugh. i was having fun like i never did before. you asked about the stuff that happened to me when you weren't there to witness it, and so did i. we spoke casually, as if nothing in the past had happened. you weren't just a silhouette, you weren't just a mere shadow this time. i was looking into your eyes, actually sitting before you, witnessing you project a happy facade. your voice lingered in my ears. it was nice hearing it again. then i hugged you. you were wearing a white shirt. and a faint scent was perceived by my senses. baby oil.

and as i opened my eyes, sunlight filled the room. the air was crisp and cold. it actually made me want to get back in your arms again. it was at that moment that you made me yearn for the old times once again. and with a tinge of longing and craving, i managed to give out a soft whisper. i miss you.

it was great to see you, dad. merry christmas too. :D

it's christmas eve.

merry christmas to everyone.

bad irc! bad!!

2004-12-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

una sa lahat, kaya ganyan title ko kasi wala na kong maisip. hahaha. saka kasi nagd-dl ang aking kuya sa irc. tapos umalis siya. kaya maingay. nakakairita. alam niyo yung tunog. parang.. *blog..blog..* kaya sabi ko, okay, i will blog! hahahaha. malabo. pasensya. kakagising ko lang. kahit 10:30 na. late na kasi ako natutulog these past few nights. masaya manood ng tv. at tumawa mag-isa. at magpaka-auti. hey, i don't get to do this during school nights. hehe.

tapos may napanood ako sa hbo kahapon. may mga miracle dogs. haha. wala lang.

tapos napanood ko rin yung parang concert ni justin timberlake sa star world. haha. ang galing niya. i am amazed. nagk-keyboards siya, tas gitara din. tas malamang magaling siya kumanta at sumayaw. talented siya ha. promil kid.

nakakairita talaga yung tunog. gusto kong patayin kaso pag pinatay ko, ako yung mamamatay dahil papatayin ako ng aking kuya. teka. pasko. wag tayong magpatayan.

haha. ay alam niyo ba?? kahapon ay hindi ako nag-computer. buong araw! what an accomplishment! hahaha. nanood lang ako ng tv buong umaga. tapos kumain. at nag-gitara. tapos kumain ulit. tapos nood ulit ng tv! hahaha. nakakabato actually, pero ok lang. hahaha.

tumutunog parin siya. at naiirita parin talaga ako.

may party mamaya sa bahay ng aking pinsan. maraming tao dun. ayokong pumunta. pero teka. on second thought. maraming tao. maraming pamasko! hahahaha!! speaking of... nalabuan ako. kasi pagkalabas ko ng kwarto, binigyan ako ng 500 ng aming katulong. sabi niya bigay daw ng aking stepdad. katuwa. sana ganto lagi araw-araw tuwing umaga. haha.

tapos sabi ni pyel na pupunta daw silang town mamaya. e ayaw niyang sumama. so dapat pupunta nalang siya dito. jamming daw kami. haha. kasi may bago na siyang gitara. lol. kaso nireject daw ang kanyang proposal. haha. magsh-shopping daw sila. hahaha. wala lang.

ay. kamusta nga pala ip nyo? hahaha. wala ata kaming balak gawin this break. bwahahahaha. sorry sir! hahaha :P

tapos kagabi, nanood ako ng csi. yung isa, hindi ko naumpisahan kaya di ko masyadong naintindihan. tas yung pangalawa, ayun naintindihan ko na. ang galing!! =D> katuwa sobra. tinxt ko pa nga si lari. sabi ko i'm a certified csi fanatic na. lol. nasa tagaytay siya. nangangatog na daw sa lamig. hahaha. ako naman nakahiga, nanonood nga ng csi. nilalamig din yung paa ko. tapos kumain ako ng ice cream. hahahaha.

may narealize ako sa panonood ng csi. pag papatay ka ng tao, dapat matalino ka. kasi kung hindi, kawawa ka naman. saka dapat magsapatos ka. kung may dugo, hugasan mo. kasi makikita nila ang iyong footprints pag nagpaa ka. footprints are as good as fingerprints daw. kaya mag-ingat kayo! hahaha. saka natutunan ko rin na kapag ang isang tao ay nagre-recall, tumitingin siya sa right. pag nagsisinungaling or nagm-make up lang ng story, sa left. o diba. galing noh. haha. tapos ano pa ba. ay. may sinabi din dun kaso di ko masyadong nadinig kasi may dumaan na tricycle so di ko naintindihan. basta sabi,

'repeat after me. silk silk silk'.

'silk silk silk?'

'what do cows drink?'

'brrroooooom'.

ayun. dumaan na kasi yugn tricycle kaya di ko na nadinig. lol.

maingay parin yung irc. sige na. aalis na ko. nakakairita na. lol. ay ay. saka bakit nga pala nila tinanggal si spongebob sa 11am at sa 4pm? sa 7:30 ko nalang siya napapanood. yung pumalit ata yung 100 deeds blah blah. oh well. haha. may movie naman ng spongebob eh. nood tayo mga kapatid! hahahaha.

magliligpit ako ng kwarto. what's a good charity?

december 23 na. 1 tulog nalang at bubuksan ko na mga regalo ko!!! weeee! pagdasal niyong magka-ipod ako! hahaha. malapit na talaga ang pasko. kaya maligayang pasko sa inyong lahat. :D

[edited:8:38/12:23:04]

nanood ako ng spongebob. haha. wala lang.

tapos nag-town ako kasama ni pyel. pero saglit lang. hahaha. masaya.

tappos nagligpit ako ng kwarto. although hindi pa siya ganon ka-ayos, may mga nakuha na akong stuff. ano nga ba ang magandang charity? saka saan? hahaha.

wala lang. merry christmas :D

maligayang pasko :)

2004-12-21T04:17:00.000-08:00

4 na tulog nalang at pasko na.

maliwanag ang aming tahanan, napapaligiran ng iba't-ibang mga ilaw. sinisinagan ng mga ito ang bawat sulok ng kadiliman. malamig ang simoy ng hanging patuloy na umiihip, muling nagbabalik ng maraming alaala.

lol. ang drama. ano ba. paskong pasko. tama na.

gusto kong mag-simbang gabi. samahan niyo ko. sige na. tara. kahit once lang. lol. tapos kain tayo ng bibingka or puto bungbong. or whatever. tapos pag malamig na, pahiram ko sa'yo jacket ko. hahahahaha.

ang ingay ng upuang aking inuupan. it's making funny noises. hindi ko gusto. that's why i have to sit still so it won't make those freaking creaky, squeaky sounds. fun. i am a prisoner of a simple mediocre chair. hahahaha.

nag-iinuman yung mga 'workers' sa kabila. hahaha. ang saya nila. last night na kasi nila, at uuwi na sila bukas. or mamaya ata. ewan.

inaayos parin yung permit thing kasi hindi daw pinayagan yung proposal nung harapan ng bahay. ewan ko ba. i never thought building a house can be so complicated. umupa nalang kayo. hahaha.

di pumasok mom ko kanina kaya pumunta kaming price smart [tama ba? lol. syempre di ko alam. haha.] kasama girlfriend ng kuya ko. bumili kami ng gift for him. basta parang lamp for his new room. tapos sa stepdad ko naman, dvd/vcd/mp3 player. basta. hahahaha. tapos mas masaya pa, nanalo ng raffle yung mom ko. tv. hahaha. o diba. merry nga talaga ang christmas. lol.

sabi ng gf ng kuya ko na sabi daw ng aking kapatid ay gusto niya ng medyas. at boxer shorts. hahaha.

gusto ko ng ipod. bili niyo ko. hahahaha. wala na kasi akong pera. poor me. lol.

wala akong ma-blog. so pasensya. ang tagal na kasi nung huli kong post.

ay. nanood pala ako ng spongebob kanina. kahit replay, pinanood ko parin. katawa eh. tapos yung kahapon, yung kinuha nila yung fur ni sandy. hahaha. tapos si gary, gusto lang pala yung cookie na nasa bulsa ng shorts ni patrick. hahaha. wala lang.

gusto nga pala ng kuya ko ng spongebob na nagsasalita. o kaya daw patrick. ako rin gusto ko. hahaha. marami akong gusto. pasko naman eh. wala namang masama kung mangarap ako diba. saka magparinig. hahaha. joke lang :D

tapos may isha-share ako. alam niyo bang friedster really connects people? hahaha. marami akong 'kamag-anak' na muling nakausap dahil dun. katulad nalang ng isa kong 'pinsan' na nasa london. hahaha. naging friend ko siya kagabi lang. ininvite niya ko eh. i think it's been almost 3 years since i last talked to her. or 4? hahaha. wala lang. hahaha.

i'm bored. wala akong magawa. pasensya sa walang kwentang blog na 'to. hahaha.

basta maligayang pasko sa inyong lahat. talon din kayo sa new year para magsitangkadan tayong lahat. weee :D hahaha.

'though it's been said many times, many ways, merry christmas to you.' :D

as fantasies unveil.

2004-12-11T23:52:00.000-08:00

the lower house is still being renovated. i haven't seen it myself but my parents said the tiles were already replaced and all that. i guess that means it's looking good.

i tell you, you cannot enter my room as i study. it's not that you are forbidden to, it's just that you are simply incapable of doing so. trust me. you can no longer see the floor as papers, books and worksheets crawl and fly around.

and as darkness continually creeps, symbolizing the depth of the night, the wind gushes forth whispering sounds that echo through the night. as the lights gleam, memories come surging in, reappearing in my head once again like pages of photograph books being turned before me. the moon starts to materialize, together with the stars in the black velvet sky, and i can feel myself slowly fading into the background, losing my grip from the banisters of reality. so forgive me for speaking rubbish for a while as i put into my memory the recurring reveries all over again and dream away.

i woke up this morning because i heard my fone ring. it's 7:30, who on earth would be calling this early? of course i didn't answer it but when i checked it out on my call register, it was a new number. for some strange reason, i seemingly wished upon a star, praying and hoping it was... never mind. snap out of it, buddy. the sun was already shining.

hey, wait a minute. the sun is a star.

i can see the glimmer of the moon from here. its beam is raining on the cold marble floor. i read about the moon being this ship full of dreams. it sails through the heavens and when a cloud tips it over, the dreams pour out and unveil all the fantasies in the world. maybe that's the reason why everyone else seems to fall into a trance at night, especially when they lie on their backs, just right before they cross that fine line and finally drift off to sleep.

the ray also reminds me of street lights. bright street lights. as the car speeds its way through the winding road, it makes its way through the other cars and the lights would flash in my eyes. the radio's turned down low and i can feel myself almost dozing off. it's already 2 o'clock. i find myself smiling. maybe because bright street lights just bring back so much old stuff.

why can't yesterday be a place? or 6 weeks ago? or even last year's christmas. then maybe i can go back. and stop building castles in the air.

i can't wait for friday. but first, i have to go through tuesday, wednesday and thursday. 2 down, 6 to go.

no. wait. even the exams bring back old scenes. i'd usually hit the sack in the afternoon back then so i can be a nocturnal owl, being up from 2am onwards because by 11pm, i am already pacing the floor of the den, talking the night away. i even found myself talking about ions. hydrogen... sulfur... carbon... even guinea pigs. or were they naked mole rats? whatever. they're like hamsters without fur and tail. you were on the verge, my friend. so was i. and now it's somewhere drowning in the pacific ocean or someplace else. wish i can bring them back, though. it'd sure be great to.

in the heat of the finals, i am left all alone on a saturday night with the dvd of the incredibles and some food in the fridge. what do you expect me to do? well, the dvd player's broken so i'm left with a mundane old tv. i fix myself up a little snack and watch queer eye for the straight guy in etc. those dudes are amazing. they were able to make a 40 or so year old dude look 20 freaking years younger. amazing. i am fascinated. bwaha.

the dude there had a family. and i mean a family. had a wife, a son and a daughter. kind of reminded me of my own old man.

and it made me think if remembering it was actually a bad thing since everyone else seemingly forgot all about it yesterday. or maybe just plain pretending? it's hysterical to find people burying the cynical yet imperative truths under the grounds of oblivion. what's worse is to know that they want to look as if they are not disturbed by any of this but in reality, they can't prevent that little tear from rolling down their cheeks.

why can't they just be honest? people might confuse them for someone else.

and as i stood there, torn between two worlds, waiting for that silver bead to roll down, i began to wonder how it felt to hold your hand again, how it felt to hold you close again. i felt a cold breeze. with its chilling touch, i was reminded by how you'd caress my face as i slept, as i closed my eyes and remained oblivious to the world.

you're probably thinking i'm being unfair. i know i am. as i've said, i'm being torn between two different worlds. i have temporarily forgotten all the things in the past, yet they come haunting me each and every time. november has passed. and i can feel december slowly leaving, slipping away beyond my control. yet i haven't seen you. i'm sorry. i'm finding it hard to get by. and i must admit, these are the times i'm longing for you more than ever.

miss you.

and with a sudden gust of air, i am brought back to reality.

it's almost midnight.

sleeping to dream about you.

braindead x_X

2004-12-06T02:47:00.000-08:00

i wasn't able to sleep right away last night. i was thinking of stuff. mostly about school. it's amazing how a single, 6-letter word can cause such great paranoia and hysteria.

it's just the first day of the week, yet here i am, ranting, so darn wishing for the weekend to magically unveil its oh so heavenly, oh so pretty head out of that freaking window.

it's not even 6pm, yet the sun has sinked below the horizon, resulting to a velvet shadow suspended in the heavens. i guess christmas is already really near. i saw scenes in my head once again. shook my head to force the thoughts away. hey, i wonder if there'd be stars tonight, considering a passing rain elapsed this afternoon.

we have three long tests coming up tomorrow, one quiz, and a the practical test.

ever wondered where all the carefree days had gone? well, check out the view from the bio lab. it's overlooking every single one of them.

i got up at 4 and greeted arf. HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAY! then i studied for stats and read the cl handout again. ooh. i drank coffee too. it was bitter. ack. but hey, it got me up and awake even during the i-still-want-to-sleep, cold, early hours of the morning.

i got to school, still hyperized.

we discussed some genetics stuff in bio. see? we're still in the process of discussing the whole chapter. some of those stuff got mixed up in the long test. big time.

the stats quiz was pretty easy. i just don't get it why you have to square the values and then just get the freaking square root anyway, when you can use the absolute value. whoever invented that sure has a lot of patience going on in his system. well, guess what. i'm starting to lose it. absolute values were invented for good reasons, my friend.

my lilsis and i were talking during recess. yes, i would want to give him a new shirt for christmas. extra large.

hey, i thought the cl quiz was all about discernment? then howcome joseph seemingly travelled all the way from egypt to get in that quiz? and check out #6. man has free will, dude.

jap was fun.

no, really. it was.

we discussed florante at laura in filipino. hail francisco balagtas :D amazing.

we discussed this reviewer in ap. gave out a few laughs here and there and some irked sighs [himutok! lol]. but i guess yawns and blank faces were pretty much the ones that prevailed. reactions were slow, suggesting that everyone else lacked sleep the night before. i can tell. cause i did.

i'm starting to get the feeling she's not being liked the way she was used to back then. even if i do have this feeling against her, i felt rather sorry. and now, i'm starting to wonder if there's any trace of regret in her actions. even just one bit.

people tend to get too prying these days that it is just so darn aggravating. i am unintentionally being accustomed to the shut-up-and-just-do-what-i-tell-you habit. that's why i try to hold my tonghut to lessen the grave of the situation. might as well put a zipper on my mouth. i guess 3 long tests are something worth looking forward to, compared to staying here.

i want to transfer to another planet.

i want to wake up. but i don't want to stop dreaming.

new layout :D

2004-12-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

[edited: 12:05:04/11:35]

with everyone else changing their own templates, i find myself being such a hermit. so because of severe nostalgia, a tinge of vigor and an inward anonymous force, i have finally decided to change my own layout. ~~though i haven't exactly worked out the links yet, hope all else is fine.~~ [thanks to pyel and peachie!! haha.] if the pictures are deformed or not lined up, or something else is rather impaired, please do tell me so i can fix it up. thank you :D

the lower house is being renovated. i think there are problems with the permit thing. anyway.

we only went to school for two days last week. look at that. but wednesday was such a torture, i swear. i honestly felt my head spinning in different directions during the latter part of the day. 2 math quizzes greeted us in the morning, and 2 long tests in the afternoon. well, good thing that was over.

i got up at alomst 5 last thursday even if i had set my alarm at 4. i had a hard time getting up. good thing i received a missed call from this dude i honestly don't know. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't have freaked out and got out of bed. fun.

i started studying for cl, reading the hand-out with yawns after every sentence. then at 6, i heard that classes were suspended. awesome.

that night, it was raining hard. power was out. i started texting some people. i don't know. it's not that i thought it was already the end of the world or anything. i just felt like doing it. so i did. i was already sleepy by 9. i was about to hit the sack when my mom called me out. there were no classes the following day as well. the president had declared it. but the sun was already up and about yesterday. bummer. they suspended school for nothing. i guess yoyong has left the building.

last night, i started working on this layout. it was already half past midnight when i called it a night. for some strange reason, i thought of those nights when i would open my eyes and darkness would surround me. i would be in a whole new room, in a whole new house, in a different place. then i'd find myself smiling, meaning you have crossed my mind. and i was probably singing to one of those christian bautista songs again. what about that night when we went home at 1? or that night when we walked together? these thoughts are just merely memories, yet i'm afraid it has been my hobby to pray for them to once again happen. ugh. what a complete idiot.

for some strange, sick reason, it's as if the whole world is suddenly the other way around.

why can't yesterday be a place? or 4 weeks ago. or even last year's christmas.

you are being ignorant, oblivious, insensitive. stop. you're driving me crazy. i can't read you. i guess i just miss those days when i'd try to untie my tongue and feel like a complete hapless dork because i can't do anything else but stutter whenever you're on the other line. i guess i just miss you.

whatever happened to 'isn't it a wonder how the heart makes the mind irrational'?

but i just said you were amazing, didn't i? crap. you're sick. go get a doctor or whatever.

and now the wind is blowing, seemingly wanting to carry out my thoughts. yeah, do that. please.

anyway. i found this box. it was full of pictures of my dad. it's up there in the cupboard, as if being hidden all these years, like truth being overruled by lies. i found this one picture where there was a Bible and a framed picture of my parents and my 2 brothers. at the back was written the words, 'things that make me survive day by day. -william' my dad wrote that.

fate has a funny way of making one's life miserable. just when you thought everything else is doing okay, yoyong will come into the scene, causing landslides and floods.

bummer.

from florante at laura:
'kung pagsaulan kong basahin sa isip ang nangakaraang araw ng pag-ibig, may mahahagilap kayang natititik liban na kay celiang namugad sa dibdib? yaong celiang laging pinanganganiban, baka makalimot sa pag-iibigan, ang ikinalubog niring kapalaran sa lubhang malalim na karalitaan. ngayong namamanglaw sa pangungulila ang ginagawa kong pang-aliw sa dusa, nagdaang panaho'y inaalala, sa iyong larawa'y ninitang ginhawa. nagbabalik mandi't parang hinahanap dito ang panahong masayang lumipas, na kung maliligo'y sa tubig aagap nang hindi abutin ng tabsing sa dagat. nasaan si celiang ligaya ng dibdib? ang suyuan nami'y bakit 'di lumawig? nahan ang panahong isa niyang titig ang siyang buhay ko, kaluluwa't langit? itong di matiis na pagdaralita nang dahil sa iyo, o! nalayong tuwa, ang siyang umakay na ako'y tumula, awitin ang buhay ng isang naaba. '

anlufet.

hintayin mo ako.
mahirap nang maiwan dito.
hoy hintay.
hintyain mo ako.
dahan-dahan lang. hoy.

living for the only thing i know.

2004-11-30T01:20:00.000-08:00

and despite all the complaint my mind was giving me because of my aching body, everything was perfect.

i heard you laugh and it felt great. it was as if i didn't mind spending the whole night just listening to your laughter. it made me crave for the next day even more.

computer was boring. i don't find it that amusing. [sorry fi! lol.] we didn't do anything. we just 'discussed' the website thing. sir pats' voice echoed within the walls of the room, and i see everyone else staring blankly into their monitors. for some strange reason, something told me to do the same. and i did.

algebra. all we ever do is solve that freaking hand out. oh yeah, hail sections A,B,D,E,F,G and H. thank you for making our lives so darn easier.

i studied for english this morning. i got up at 4 just to read about Buddhism and those propaganda techniques blah blah, just to find out the long test was postponed for tomorrow. and the debate was to push through. what i don't understand is why all of a sudden, 4 came before 3. 1... 2... 4? 3? guess i fell asleep one day in preschool.

whatta debate. oh, but heck. i had fun. all we really did was laugh and talk, and laugh some more. there ya go. i never thought impromptu speech can actually come in handy.

class concert. everyone was amazing. congrats :D

i was staring at her. i can't believe i was with her seemingly just yesterday. i was able to reach her back then. but now i guess she's so far up. perhaps too far up even. that dude over there was actually my best friend back then. yeah, i think i'll agree with soph. mahirap paniwalaan.

i found myself seeing fireworks, but i wasn't in atc. i found myself holding on even if i wasn't slipping or anything. i found myself being amazed though i wasn't watching a magic show. i found myself hearing alumni homecoming in the background even if it was only micmac, not playing the guitar but rather playing WITH it.

and i just stop and stare. and smile.

i'd honestly be scared if i saw myself from a distance with a mystifying grin across my face. i think i'm losing my sanity. and it actually feels perfect.

it's a short one for today. we have 2 long tests and 2 quizzes coming up. and i am seemingly looking forward to tomorrow because?

you define my place in this world.
and now, i'm living for the only thing i know.

fair... unfair? eh.

2004-11-28T06:08:00.000-08:00

it's another one of those lazy days. i woke up seeing darkness enveloping me. no sunshine today. instead, there is the rain. i am thankful for it, though. it's cold. the air is moist. makes me think of bed. nothing more. nothing less.

and then there was the fair.

wednesnday
it was officially the first day of our foundation week. hey, it's not even week. it's just 3 freaking days. well anyway, everyone came in their fair shirts. the day was rather sluggish. thanks to THE, i found myself busy during the latter part of the afternoon.

and no, that statement does not entail even one bit of sarcasm.

thursday
we didn't do anything in the morning. there was a dog show but i didn't watch it. not really intersted in dogs. preferred to sit down there on the sidewalk with... you?

mula umaga hanggang uwian natin laging magkasama tayong dalawa.

interbatch. i think we did great, yeah. but we didn't win. some teachers said we should have, though.

i got home, beat. the day has ended, i told myself, not knowing it has only begun.

i went to atc to have my pictures for the scrapbook scanned. and then i saw a familiar face going down the stairs of national bookstore. he was wearing a shirt with blue stripes, walking with a girl and mr virumal. guess who. lol.

then all of the pictures were scanned. i was anxious to know the total price for i only had 500 bucks in my pocket. the guy in the photocopying thing handed me a piece of paper, then beckoned me to go to the cashier to pay.

P356. yahoo.

on my way to the cashier, i saw sir romero. i said hi, and he told me that we did great during the dance. he was with ms kyra, and i just couldn't help but smile.

with the two encounters i just had, may nagaganap kayang liagawan dito? lol. kidding.

i got home and started doing some revisions on the pages in my scrapbook. i started to type and type and type. and type some more. it was already 11pm when my eyes started to itch. i looked in the mirror and saw how red they were. i decided to take a little break and work on the scrapbook itself instead.

i was already groggy by 12. thank God for nescafe. i worked and worked, and worked some more.

i didn't exactly like the taste of coffee lingering in my mouth. so i thought of brushing my teeth. but i couldn't find dear old mr toothpaste. oh no. i asked arf if there was an alternative for toothpaste. he told me to just let it go and just brush thoroughly the following day instead. eew.

3am. i better get some sleep, i told myself. i went to bed, but because of the caffeine in my body, my system remained up and about. back to work i went then. my back started to ache. my shoulders started to kill me.

my mom saw i was still working. she told me she wanted to complain to the teacher. bwahahaha. >:)

oh yeah, she gave me a toothpaste as well. i got to brush my teeth after all.

the clock read 5:30. i still wasn't done. great. i could no longer take the pain in my back and my neck and everywhere else so i slept. for 30 minutes.

6am. i was up. gotta catch the bus. woooh.

friday
everyone else i knew who stayed up didn't go to school in the morning. oh well.

i was cranky. but you still gave me every reason to smile.

i watched the extemporaneous speech contest with norms in the morning. sir roldan was the host. bwahahaha. i learned a lot, really. it wasn't boring. it was quite interesting actually. but then again, because of my peaceful slumber deficiency, i unintentionally gave a few yawns instead of rounds of applause.

sorry.

then in the afternoon, i watched the faculty basketball. the teachers were wild. frantic. hahahaha. hey, sir jun is a good player. so is sir ed. and sir delos santos. as in cl teacher. bwahahaha.

i went to town with the some dancers that night. i was so freaking sleepy that i had to walk around just to keep myself awake. i didn't care if i was alone. i just didn't want to fall asleep in the mall.

i got home at around 9. then you called. that was why i had a good night sleep even if i got up early the following day.

saturday
j&j competetion. 3rd place. woohoo.

i got to school around 10:30. everyone else got there after an hour or so. i enjoyed it, though.

sitting there right next to you felt good. so damn good.

oh yeah. i got to try the giant slide for the first time. yahoo.

google? eh.

just when i thought that the projects are finally over, why, hello AP portfolio.

boo.

well, i honestly didn't enjoy this year's fair.

or maybe i did.

i love you :D

i don't mind not knowing what i'm headed for. you can take me to the sky. it's like being lost in heaven when i am lost in your eyes.

rather biological.

2004-11-22T02:00:00.000-08:00

you're amazing. did you know that?

saturday. dance practice. i slept late the night before. i’m guessing i was still experiencing a light hang-over from the movie i saw. anyway, we were nearing alabang hills when my mom started reprimanding me. she once again said a lot of things i never really noticed, probably because i never really intended to do them. i didn’t say anything through the entire ride. i didn’t want to make matters worse. i was listening to her, though. and perhaps Iilet her words penetrate me too much that i could no longer hold it in, so i unintentionally burst. just like... like a cell. in hypotonic solution.

we reached jam’s house. wooh. glad that was over. the tears however, were not.

i was reminded again by how easy life was back then. i never had to decipher such hard messages; i never had to consider to put things into a deeper thinking. i never drowned for someone always held my hand.

well, things aren’t as far off as they seem nowadays. i have people who don’t just hold my hand, but hold the whole of me. it’s just that i sometimes try to break free to respect my soul’s request for solitude. so i hide in one corner and drift to another place.

i spent the night alone. i slept at 11:30 and got up at 7 the next morning.

sunday. one of the laziest days of the week. it was before lunch when i started working on my post lab report. i never really understood anything. that was why it was one of my least concerns that time.

i looked for some information in the book you gave me. it was more complicated than i remembered. it was as if i needed someone else to translate everything since it was seemingly written in french. i wanted to text you but my introversion prevailed. the thought of you calling crossed my mind. and you actually did.

mental telepathy?

funny. hahaha.

i understood everything perfectly all of a sudden. you didn’t say much really. but you seemed to have done everything.

i don’t understand how you can cause different emotions each time just like... like meiosis having this mechanism to shuffle the chromosomes to come up with different genotypes.

you’re amazing.

i looked at all the scattered blank experiment papers around me. there was still so much to be done. yet you seemed to have given me every reason to smile.

you were just about to sleep at around 3:00 AM. i was already up by then.

monday. the first day of the week. we had a mass earlier. i heard at least 3 seconds of complete silence in the theatre. that was rather exceptional.

AP was the last subject. it was during those minutes that i felt myself slowly disintegrating just like... like the nuclear membrane in late prophase. i was in my seat, with my ears attentively listening to the lecture. my mind however, was someplace else, seemingly soaring even higher than the eagles. i felt myself fade away. my powers could no longer put up with more than an hour of straight AP talk.

i don’t want to hope. i don’t want to expect. i know you never will. but hey, i’d be happy to.

so, i guess i won’t mind waiting?

malayo ka’t wala nang magawa.

bcuz of u.

2004-11-19T04:49:00.000-08:00

my phone was ringing last night. for some reason, i found myself hoping it was you calling.

i saw you again the other night. i never wanted to arise from my dreams. it's been a quite a while, isn't it. i think what i'm trying to say here is i miss you. i guess i just don't want to admit it.

i kept on stealing glances, probably checking some traces of remorse, solitude, or even just a bit of regret. i guess not. or maybe she's just really good in pretending that i can almost hardly tell.

it's been what? almost a year? i should be over it by now. yet there's seemingly something missing.

kailan pa kaya ako lalaya sa'yo?

my mom went to atc yesterday. i went with her. it was already past 6 when we were in the parking lot, loading up the car with her groceries. i saw the sky. there were pink cylindrical clouds all over the place. somewhere in the east, a black blanket revealed the moon and the stars. i saw christmas lights as well, and just as i expected, memories of you came surging in. i once again remembered last year's chrismtas for the hundredth and and thirty-second time. the wind blew and my longing was somewhat deteriorated.

maybe we can watch something together again. it may sound obnoxious, outrageous, despicable, go ahead, name it. it was fun figuring out why there was a fire hydrant along the sidewalk. or figuring out whether she was the little girl edmond, edward, whatever his name was, once knew or not.

"but you don't even know me... -i can spend the rest of my life trying to."

i just remembered you because you looked like diether. especially with the hair and all. crap. ang jolog. hahaha.

i survived THE. the practical test was postponed again. i got really cranky when i had to repeat some of the steps since my stupidity once again prevailed. i specifically had to do my back stitch again since i didn't stitch the cloth underneath the folded part. i had to transfer to different machines as well for one worked backwards and the rest probably was just messing with me, procrastinating my completion of my project. all these were put together, and alas! my impatience was triggered.

we had an algebra quiz. oh goodie. say hello to another failing mark. go me.

debate was fun. [stress on first syllable. lol.] hail marga marga!

dismissal. dance practice. it felt as if i had a brain freeze as i danced inside the air-conditioned room. i went outside for a while. my eyes became a bit sore and teary. my nose all of a sudden became runny as well. and as i stood against the lockers, i felt the heat escape my skin, and my head still continuosuly throbbing.

we were near the tabayan, screaming our heads off as we waited for micmac's mom, saying hi to every teacher that passed by. oh yeah, we are future chorale members as well.

we left school at past 5. we saw sir roldan with sir sabillano before him, both walking with a girl. we were guessing it was a double date. lol.

we also saw sir cobaria in pancake house. we said hi. i think he's leaving already. he'll be hanging around next week for the fair, though.

and finally, we were in the movies. i wasn't quite a fan of filipino flicks but i got carried away with this one. it's crazy but i guess one of my weaknesses is those kinds of films. crap. can you believe i cried in the movie bcuz of u? aie was beside me. and so was jam. feel free to ask them for confirmation. lol. gash. even i, myself could not believe it.

raul, my trumpets teacher was the security guard in the story of heart and jeff. funny. hahahaha :D

i haven't started my cl project. what more my english project? woohoo. cramming. my finest talent. lol.

ngayong gabi,
pag nagriring ang telepono,
ikaw ang naiisip ko.
tumawag ka, tumawag ka.
tumawag ka naman
dahil kailangan
lamang madinig ang
boses mo at ngayong
gabi managinip,
managinip uli tayo sa
sarili nating mundo.

isang mala-konyong post.

2004-11-17T01:31:00.000-08:00

teka, magpapaka-konyo muna ko ngayon ha.

mag-iisang linggo na kong nagpo-post dito. pero bakit 47 parin ang total posts ko? malamang ay may topak nanaman 'to.

anyway. ui, hindi ako late kanina ha.

nag-quiz kaninang homeroom sa ap. talaga kasing nag-aral ako eh.

nag-evaltuate uli kami ng teachers kaninang stats. maling questionnaire pa yung binigay samin. katuwa naman.

stats na! grabe. limang minuto nalang, di pa pinalusot ni sir chavez. as usual, nag-lesson pa kami. malamang diba hindi natapos kasi 5 minutes nalang yun eh nag-fire drill pa. [ohp?? =)) haha. joke lang :D ]

pag baba namin, sabi nila wala daw bio kasi nasusunog yung bio lab. may usok kasi na lumalabas mula doon. ganda ng props ah. hay-tets na ang la salle. tapos may fire truck pa sa may gate 3. tas yung assembly area, sa field. eh umaambon. hindi ba nila alam na magkakasakit kami sa lagay na yun. tapos sabi sumilong nalang daw dun sa may parang goalee thingy. talagang hindi kami mababasa dun eh. ang funny. hahaha.

maya-maya, bumalik na kami. tas bumaba kami uli kasi pe. tapos may isang passer-by na tumitingin samin. kasi parang nagjo-jogging ata siya e nakita niyang may fire truck. tapos eh kami may mga dalang mga bag, bumababa from the stairs so mukha nga naman talagang may sunog. hahaha. katawa talaga.

nagpractice kami sa dance nung pe.

wala kaming ginawa nung algebra. ay, tinapos pala namin yung word problems. nahirapan ako.

tapos bio na. wala si sir romero. may nag-sub na teacher. nakalimutan ko na yung name niya. hahaha. basta maganda, parang si ms gadon. sabi nga ni pyel ay baka sini-screen ni sir romero ang mga nag-aapply na bio teachers. dapat lang daw magaganda kasi co-teachers niya eh. hahaha. joke lang. nag-quiz kami nung second period kaya hindi kami nakapagmuni-muni ni pyel sa may bio lab. marami-rami pa naman akong tanong kanina. grabe, napiga utak ko dun sa quiz, seryoso. tapos alam ko namang prophase yun, bakit nga ba interphase ang sinulat ko? ay nako. umiral nanaman ang aking katangahan. tapos ang labo talaga nung question number 3. nakakaasar. pero anyway, sabi nga ni sir sagum, BIO QUIZ LANG YAN. may long test pa. hahahaha.

wala kaming english. guidance kasi eh. may natutunan nanaman ako at mga naisip. may powerpoint presentation kasi si ms kyra, e may isang slide dun na sabi, "a cruise to nowhere". oo nga. ang buhay ng tao ay tila isang 'cruise', ngunit san nga ba talaga ang patutunguhan nito? paikot-ikot lang sa katubigan isang gabi. madilim ang buong paligid, malamig. tapos sa sobrang kapal ng kadiliman, inakala mo muling kalangitan ang tubig, kaya napahiling ka uli sa isang bituin sa katubigan. muli mong sinisi ang sarili dahil ito'y hindi nagkatotoo. kelan pa kaya lalaya sa isang mundong punung-puno ng maling akala?

"what does a dream do to you? -it gives you direction."

oo, kung minsa'y yan ang binibigay sa iyo ng mga panaginip mo. ngunit madalas ay matinding kaguluhan at kabaliwan. kaya hindi rin masyadong maganda ang masanay sa isang mundong puro nalang pangarap. kung minsa'y dapat ay magising sa katotohanan kahit masakit. mas mabuti na ang ganito kaysa mabuhay ng puro kasinungalingan ang binabato sa'yo ng mundo. siguro ay kung lalagyan mo ng kaunting kulay ang iyong mundo sa pamamagitan ng paghalo ng kaunting pantasya ay walang namang mawawala sa iyo. sabihin na nating kahapon ay ikaw si peter pan, lumipad papuntang neverland o kung sang lupalop pa man ng kalawakan. o kaya naman ay si wendy at si john na sumama sa kanya, nag-isip ng 'happy thoughts'. o kung gusto mo naman ay si superman, nagbihis sa isang telephone booth at agad-agad nailigtas ang mundo. pwede ring halughugin mo ang isang inosenteng batang naninirahan sa iyong kaluluwang di mo na masyadong napagtutuunan ng pansin dahil sa bilis ng daloy ng panahon.

'wag ka lang masyadong magtagal sa mundong punung-puno ng mga pangarap at panaginip. bumisita ka lang saglit. baka di ka na makabalik.

masaya din ung filipino time. may long test bukas. wow. actually nag-accounce na si ms noon, nakalimutan lang natin. hahaha.

eto, mga pamatay na pick-up lines:
-walang ibang bagay na nananahan sa isip at puso ko. ikaw lang.
-kaya ko nang yapusin ang buong karagatan.
-ngayon, maaari ko na bang ialay sa'yo ang mga pinitas kong btuin kagabi?
-ikaw ang naging umaga sa bawat paglamon ng dilim, ang bahaghari makaraan ang ulang makulimlim.

hanep noh. hahahaha.

tapos nag-THE ako kanina. pero hindi ako gumawa. hahaha. bukas na noh. nagsabi lang si ms matic ng mga kailangang gawin. pwede naman daw recess pumunta eh. bilib din talaga ako sa mga estudyanteng napapaamo ng THE na yan eh. naging parte na kasi yun ng buhay ng freshmen. sus, mapa-hapon, mapa-umaga, may tao doon. grabe. katuwa naman. oo nga, isang command central. panalo talaga.

inaantok na ko. at gutom.

mmm. ano kaya gagawin ko?

umaasa sa panaginip,
kahit lang isang idlip
na makita ka.

--teka, teka. pahabol. meron akong nalaman. kahit tapos na ang lahat-lahat sa pagitan namin, heto nanaman ako, tila nagpapaka-martir. ano ba ang nangyari? nakakapagtaka. nakakalungkot. may maitutulong ba ako? :|

ito ang unang araw na wala ka na.

2004-11-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

--edited: 11/15/04

"naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan. naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan."

"may kasalanan ka sa akin. bigla ka nalang nawala, iniwan mo akong mag-isa. 'di ba't nangako ka sa akin? hindi mo sasaktan ang pusong sugatan. anong nangyari? 'wag mo lang sabihin na hindi ko kaya 'to, ang mabuhay nang sarili, na wala sa piling mo. kailan pa kaya ako lalaya sa iyo?"

"3 huwebes na ang dumaan, 'di pa rin nasasakyan na wala ka na. naninikip ang tiyan, nakatingin sa buwan, malayo ka't wala nang magawa. hanap ang iyong kamay, wala akong kaakbay. nasaan ka na kaya?"

i will quote judd: "mapaglaro ang tadhana."

"ngayong wala ka na, kailangang masanay na muling nag-iisa. san ka na kaya? 'wag mo akong sisihin kung minsa'y ika'y hanapin. ito ang unang araw na wala ka na. nasanay lang sigurong nandyan ka. 'di ko rin inakalang pwede kang mawala. ayan na nga... 'wag mo akong sisihin kung minsa'y ako'y iyakin. ito ang unang araw na wala ka na."

"alam mo bang kanina pa ako magdamag na nakatingin sa'yo? at di mo lang alam sa gitna ng kadiliman, di mapakali, ako'y nabighani. di mo lang alam, inaasam ang panahong makapiling ka sa una't huling pagkakataon. nagsisisi, matatapos ang gabing alam naman nating mayroon nang taning. nagsisisi, gigising sa katotohanang di ka naman talaga akin."

"natatandaan mo ba kagabi? 4 na oras tayong nagbabad sa telepono. inabutan na tayo ng umaga noon. ngunit bakit ngayon malamig ka bigla? magdamag na sa tabi moi, wala man lang hello. hello? di na kita naiintindihan. malabo na ba ang linya sa ating dal'wa? hello? gising ka pa kaya? hello? nahihilo na ako sayo. ngayong gabi, 'pag nagriring ang telepono, ikaw ang naiisip ko. tumawag ka, tumawag ka. please. tumawag ka naman dahil kailangan lamang marinig ang boses mo at ngayong gabi managinip, managinip uli tayo sa sarili nating mundo..."

i found myself singing to that last night, nodding in agreement. i once again remembered those nights when i'd be up 'till the break of dawn, not wanting to be captured in a peaceful slumber, thinking it wouldn't be worth it if i won't be able to answer your calls.

oo, natatandaan ko pa ang mga gabing hanggang hatinggabi ay kausap kita, hanggang alas-kwatro ng umaga ay gising pa ako, hindi pa natutulog. hindi ko pa limot ang mga sandaling ipinagdarasal kong tayo sana'y muling magkita. hanggang ngayo'y alalang-alala ko pa lahat-lahat ng mga katangahang ginawa ko noon. at ngayon, hindi ko maiwasang magtanong, kailan pa nga kaya ako lalaya sa iyo?

wow. keidi strikes again.

i was lying in bed thursday night, looking forward to the following day because it had HALF DAY written all over it. i thought to myself however that i was not going to survive THE. oh, but look at that. i actually did.

mrs matic thought my hand was a pin cushion. it was scary. but i managed to laugh. and so did she.

well as usual, THE was a nightmare for me. good thing i was able to finish step 3.

i think you're a hero if you survive the first period. you're invincible if it's already algebra time and you're still standing.

pamatay ang get-up ng mga teachers that day since they were to have a retreat, i think that afternoon. i saw sir roldan during the morning ceremony wearing blue maong jeans. sir romero suddenly became a puma endorser according to vicky. and oh yeah, who would ever forget those shoes? hahaha.

saturday was dance practice.

i woke up this morning at a quarter before 6 am. i suddenly asked myself, 'ano ngayon? monday? ay hindi. sunday. tama ba?'

i got up and went to the cr for a while. then that was it for when i went back to bed, i could no longer sleep. i started texting people. one of which was my best friend.

i saw a walk to remember this morning on HBO. i cried. hahaha. to think i didn't like the novel that much.

"are you scared?"
"of death? i'm scared of not being able to be with you..."

i can't wait for monday. i don't like staying here. take me to another place. i want to drift away. take me away. take me to another place...

it's a wednesday, our thinking day.

2004-11-10T01:53:00.000-08:00

a young girl tried to wish on a star once, but her little fancy didn't come true. she then realized that the ocean has an aggravating capacity to deceive one's eyes. sometimes, wishes may not come true probably because you wished on the stars' reflection in the dark waters by mistake, thinking it's the sky. so don't look for God and ask if He's there like margaret for He always has. don't blame the wind either for not whispering it to Him. it's your fault.

i'm really sleepy right now. i was actually in bed a few minutes ago, hoping i'd doze off. i tried to get some sleep but to no avail. i just tossed and turned in between my sheets.

it's a wednesday today. it's our thinking day. once again, during lunch, we were somewhere near the bio lab, lost in deep thought.

"slogan. ano? about the environment tayo?"
"ha? nutrition diba??"

does it ring a bell? her mind was obviously someplace else.

she came up with the conclusion that she was just probably imagining everything. maybe it is possible for something to happen just within the boundaries of one's mind.it may seem so convincing that for once, it was confused with reality. and now she's craving for something to recur when it never really existed. she said it was all in her mind.

"isn't it a wonder how the heart makes the mind irrational?"

the mind is supposed to have the authority over the whole body. yet the heart is being persistent and too adamant that the superiority of the mind is being conquered by that of the heart. for some yes, it may seem amazing. to me however, it's aggravating.

i was once told that saudi arabia is approximately 5 years late. i think they're follwing the lunar thing in the calendar instead of the usual solar. the innocent little girl within me then wanted to withdraw and endure more than a thousand miles just to get there. i thought that maybe i can live my life 5 years ago again once i reach my destination. then i can change all the pieces of crap i've done and i've consequently caused.

it's quite hard living in two different worlds. you have to travel from one to another, risking the possibility of losing your way back. both worlds is seemingly demanding, creating an intense perplexity about that particular someone that you have to be. then you lose your mind, and your identity as well, without knowing that you just wore your clothes inside-out like spongebob. maybe what you're wearing now is supposedly the other way around, and because of this, they can't make out your true identity. you try to explain because the blame isn't on you. but they won't listen anyway so i doubt if there is still such point upon doing so at all.

"i go to my room and i close my eyes, i make believe that i have a new life. i close my eyes when i go to bed and i dream of adventures that make me smile."

i was once told that it's better to write about reality and about desolate truths. but i'm still a kid. it makes me feel better to pretend i'm an imaginary comic book superhero. it is because of my fantasies and my 'adventures' that i get inspired once in a while. sometimes, those “laughing streams” and those “snow-caped forests” paint another world in my mind when the one i'm living in as of that moment slowly falls apart. sometimes, my illusions serve as excuses to escape from the snares and miseries life offers me.

~~by the way, i now have haloscan. bwahahaha.~~

and i learned something new from sir romero. it's not at the back. it's OVER or FLIPSIDE.

and i finally got my id.

"i close my eyes and count to ten, hope it's over when i open them."

"mabuting pang umiwas, pero salamat na rin at nagtagpo"

2004-11-02T02:55:00.000-08:00

[edited: 11/03/04]
i saw you again last night.

i guess my best friend's right. i'm looking for a 'figure' the people around me cannot give. and i found it in you. only in you.
-
i can feel the cold wind caressing my face right now, suggesting that christmas is near. and oh, waiting in vain is playing as well. because of all this, plus the events that happened last weekend, i am once again haunted by the memories i thought i have long hurled into the strongest currents of the deepest ocean. but alas! i am once again mistaken.

at first, i was really hesitant. i didn't want to go because i was already tired of looking back. i was tired of being stupid and lost in thought about something not exactly worth all the dilemma. they were already elsewhere, and i didn't want to risk the possibility of letting them come surging within me once again. i wanted to get it over with without even having been able to start. then there i was, finally in front of you. 'oh God' was all i can say.

i heard a total of 4 christian bautista songs playing over and over and over and over and over and over again in different radio stations. once again, this time with a tinge of hopelessness and nauseous-ness,

"oh God".

well, despite all my misleading notions, i had the greatest time. although it may have been quite evident that i was silent most of the time, i did have fun. it's just that during those moments, i was thinking of you. or probably jologs-ly singing to one of those christian bautista songs inside my head, with you still in my thoughts.

that night, i kept on stealing glances. i'm hoping you didn't notice.

you really look like your younger brother. especially when you smile.

and it was at that moment that i longed for a single minute to last for eternity, for it to last forever and a day. i wished that the credits would never roll, wished that the night would never fade, wished that the road would never end. it was as if i didn't mind spending the rest of my life walking with you, being with you.

it's this thing again. i thought i was already over this before? i guess it has an aggravating capacity to come back, huh. how can it be possible to hate something and consequently love it? it's driving me crazy. it tends to take me to a some sort of melancholic mirage that forces me to make myself channel another intelligence that isn't mine, causing too much perplexity, making the situation worse.

you have no idea how it feels like. i can't seem to put it in words. everything is scattered inside me, all of them wanting to get out all at the same time. it has only been about 10 hours since i last saw you. only a part of me just simply misses you, while almost half is being adamant, wanting to go back.

you've been on my mind this whole time. i've seen you lots of times in my dreams. i knew this would happen. i should've kept my distance. my brain warned me, but i guess my heart didn't want to take its advice.

the world is seemingly 13 years older, but i am just the same. that's how fast everything comes and goes. i just simply cannot cope up with its pace.

you're amazing. i'm simply dumbfounded by how you can leave me in awe like this, by how you can leave me wondering what you're thinking of. i'll never know, of course. i guess i can only hope that during those moments you were looking into my eyes, you could see exactly what my heart was trying to make you see.

i know i'm just talking nonsense here. there's no point upon babbling here. you're just a simple fantasy, just a mocking, dream-like dream. you're way out of my league. but i guess the true essence of dreaming is lost once the desire has already been attained. hmmm... for you? i guess i won't mind spending the rest of my life dreaming.

wish me luck tonight. i have a feeling i'll be tossing and turning, being unable to sleep. i'll be a captive of the night once again, preoccupied by thoughts and memories of you.

remember when you asked what the best part was?

you were.

"mabuti pang umiwas pero salamat na rin at nagtagpo. "

constantly drowning in abysmal depth.

2004-10-27T03:02:00.000-07:00

there's something about wednesdays. the ambience near the bio lab is really extraordinary. oh yeah, try to add big fat pyel (taba) to the scene and you'll get an afternoon full of questions that will take centuries to discover.

a few weeks ago (or was it just a week ago?), i felt the same feelings, thought of the same thoughts. i just have no idea why they are so fond of haunting me.

i saw you got hurt. well, i got hurt too. i just didn't want to advertise my pain, i didn't want the whole world to see it. i'm not known for being a martyr, everybody is aware of that. what i don't understand however, is why i would rather have had it happened to me. i don't know. she said maybe because i still love you. that made me think. i'm not quite sure if i still do love you, but surely, i did. but i guess it's something that is not capable of diminishing, is it?

i saw you laugh after all the pain. that definitely did not just bring my spirits down, but buried them 10 feet under the ground. you're up there already. i'm still down here, right where i have been all along. i know you don't have the time to crouch down a little and reach for my hand. that's okay. you have someone else now. i know. i understand. i'm sorry if i wasn't able to give everything that you wanted. i tried, though. i'm just sorry it didn't match up with your demands. but i swear, that was already all of me. i usually have a hard time struggling to rise above my limitations. i'm really sorry.

i couldn't concentrate. you were on my mind the whole afternoon. i couldn't forget your smile, your laugh. it was replaying in my head the whole time. it was as if the whole world was rubbing it in. you don't need me anymore. why would you risk your soul's contentment? you're seeing the world with somebody else now. why would you leave that person for someone like me? i'm hoping, though we'd both consider the fact that yours will never coincide with what we had before. not even close.

i was told that "if the question is not within your scope or power to answer, junk it and channel your efforts to other concerns... why waste your energy and your emotions?" but if only there is a 'formal closure', then maybe okay, i'll shut the heck up. problem is, even up to now i am not sure of what exactly was it that happened. does the world think i'm too dumb and stupid that i won't understand things once explained to me? i may have a mediocre brain, but my soul has a profound wisdom.

a lot of people noticed that there was something bothering me. see what you can do? are you a magician of some sort? because you have this aggravating capacity to hypnotize me and make me so attached to you. cut the spell, okay? there are still a lot of people. millions of them. just because you're way out of my league now, doesn't mean my world will come crashing down. but yeah, just like what she said. things will change. and sometimes, it takes quite a long time before you can finally adapt to the changes. for so long, it’s possible for you not to be yourself.

i'm so tired of reading between the lines. i'd appreciate it if you'd be frank. thank you.

hold up. am i the only one who's making such a big deal out of this? because that's how it feels like. so, you already did forget everything. we went through some pretty good times back there. i'm amazed how simply you were able to make them disappear as if they never happened. you really are a magician, aren't you?

they once asked me if i'd be willing to go back. i said no, because whatever happens, we will still end up this way. i already know how it feels. i'm not sure if i'm willing to go through all the pain again. but what if God promises me forever and a day? to that, i'd say why not. if only you'd go back to the same old person i used to know, sure i'd give it another chance. but then again, i'm happy with what i have now. i'm somewhat convinced that the water would continuously flow all the way.

both of them are very misleading.

with this, we have reached a conclusion. they should be together. they will surely click.

something almost materialized in my eyes a while ago. i could no longer hold it in. then, as if she was just beside me, i heard a whisper...

"do you think it's a matter worth crying over? i don't think so."

i can see the sky again. it's a mixture of pink and orange, surrounded by scattered sheets of blue and stains of black. i'm reminded by those moments when you heard my silence and understood everything that i wanted to say.

excerpts from "the man in the mirror" by jess calixto:
i open the door to everyone who knocks. if you find my values and lifestyles good enough, come be my guest. sometimes the interaction lasts for only a minute, sometimes for even years. no matter how long we have shared our lives, there will come a time for you to go and i'll be on my own. no matter what the experience has been, boon or bitter-- on my part, no regrets. i'd say, it was worth the experience...

for years, i lived my life with a bossom friend. we shared each other's lives, tears & laughter and all that. suddenly, he voiced out his desire to paddle his own canoe; and i said, "go ahead". it doesn't mean that just because i lost a friend the whole wolrd crumbles down.

to sum up my infuriating, provoking thoughts, 3 subjects of bio greeted us towards the end of the day.

x(

2004-10-25T02:07:00.000-07:00

oh joy. my ever so loving brother has deleted what i have just previously written. so very considerate of him. thank you. x(

i heard waiting in vain a while ago and all of a sudden, it reminded me of last year's christmas. you went into the scene and i smiled. i can't believe it. it's been what, almost a year? i don't know how you do it, but even until now, it still amazes me. i shook my head, forcing the thoughts away.

monday. the start of the week. how on earth can you survive the rest if two successive long tests will greet you in the morning, harassing your brain, squeezing and extracting its juice to make a shake out of it?

the bio test wasn't so bad. it was nothing compared to the test in stats. what i don't understand however, is the emphasis of the teachers upon the strictily-no-erasures thing. i mean, duh. liquid papers and pencils with erasers were not invented for no specific reasons.

i had a horrific, infuriating, crappy day. to sum it all up, i found my stats book in a clear envelope, placed beside my bed. i have no freaking damn idea how it got there. the weekend went by without me having been able to study for the nerve-wracking long test, thinking it was somewhere in my locker, buried under my books and those empty mineral water bottles. but it was not. all this time, it was in that clear envelope.. in that freaking clear envelope..

mr chavez, please be kind enough to prepare my mts beforehand.

then there was the prayer service. let's face it. the music sucked. period.

during english, things started to lighten up. i started hearing more laughter, gagging and more comedy behind me. that was a little indication that oh mr roldan has given us another one of his 'free time activities' in english class again. woohoo.

jap was okay. fun. mainly because of one obvious, specific reason ;) nyahahaha.

i yawned for a couple of times during filipino. ms delfin wasn't around so a substitute teacher took over. he wrote his name on the board: BLAS. pyel instantly asked me the exact same question that came into me that very minute i saw his name.

"kaano-ano niya si blas ople?"

eh.

i managed to give out a chuckle.

i got hungry during ap time. i knew that extra pack of sky flakes would come in handy. i furtively slid it in my pocket and took a few bites. sir guinto didn't notice. well, at least i'm hoping my intuition does not fail me.

i went to the THE room with kalals this afternoon. i guess the command central is up and running once again. mrs matic was there, seemingly monitoring the whole room in her seat, resulting to an evident cautiousness in the actions of freshmen c. as she took the last bite of the food she was eating and drank from a can of coke, she told us to get out of the HE room once we have finished basting the sides of our project. out i went then.

it's almost 6 in the evening, still i haven't done any of my homeworks yet. i can feel a slight pain in my shoulders and my back, and my eyes are a bit itchy, suggesting even just one or two more hours of sleep tonight. though my body is craving for it to hit the sack right now, i cannot sustain it with its demands.

i can however, grant the demands of my tummy. it's sort of making funny noises right now. i'll have my dinner in a few, and snap back to reality. my homeworks are still unfinished. they won't get done only by themselves.

boo.

x(

happy birthday :)

2004-10-22T02:02:00.000-07:00

'there's something 'bout how you stay on my mind. there's something 'bout the way that i whisper your name when i'm asleep. maybe it's the look you get in your eyes, it's the way that makes me feel to see you smile. and the reasons, they may change, but what i'm feeling stays the same. i can't put my fingers on just what it is that makes me love you so don't ask me to describe, i get all choked up inside, just thinking 'bout the way.'

the brother of my stepfather and his wife arrived from iloilo yesterday. they're headed off to a prayer meeting this sunday in baguio. i got home, surprised to see them after almost a year. they're such a great couple. they never fail to make me smile. actually, it's been quite some time since i laughed as hard as i did last night here at home.

i got up at 4 in the morning even before my fone alarmed. darkness flooded the room. i then got a flashlight and started to browse my notes in AP to prepare myself for the upcoming long test. oh but alas! my indolence has once again prevailed, so i stopped and plucked my violin instead. mwahahaha.

i stopped by the chapel this morning. it was a few minutes past 7:30 but the mass hasn't started yet. they were already assembling before the altar, though. i smiled. i asked God to bless everyone that i loved and prayed to make this day one of the best days of my life. though i've been through so many hardships, though i've been damned over and over again, and though for so many times i've been such a failure in His eyes, He answered my prayer. it was as if this day was the first day of the rest of my life.

we were outside the classroom, and i felt something heavy starting to build up inside. everybody was busy, either studying for AP or doing the CL thing. i think i went to the CR three times only within 15 minutes this morning. it has been a routine lately, mainly for two reasons. one is i think the more practical one: to simply fix yourself to look somewhat presentable for the world. the second one is just perhaps to feel those tingling butterflies in your stomach, to catch a few smiles on the way, or even maybe to steal a few glances to kick off the day.

then the bell rang. classes are starting. so much fun :)

we didn't pray the rosary during homeroom. instead, we reviewed a little for the long test. oh, they sang 'happy birthday' too and wrote 'happy birthday angge' on the white board. that made me smile, but the materialization of the heaviness within still lingered.

bio made me smile. i got a good one in the quiz. well anyway, we were somewhat having our lecture when a proctor came knocking in. he was looking for me so i went outside, being so dense about the violent reaction of everyone. i received a 'package' guessing it was from a relative. i just put it beside my seat, but pyel and may backmates (namely kalalo and jam, my two siblings... lol.)insisted upon me looking at the card. we were headed for THE when i started to give in, satisfying my ardent curiosity. i first checked out from who it was. i was laughing and crying at the same time. wala akong masabi. ang husay. hahahaha.

the prayer meeting didn't push through. sir delos santos wasn't around.

i shared my TOBLERONE (says it in a really big voice) a while ago. i lost in the little competetion kim, kalals and i had.

it felt like you gave a pretty gaudy speech back there. it's just my birthday, not my debut. i think you overdid it a bit. and a few things in your message sent me shivers... not exactly in a good way. sorry. i felt better when i received your gift, though. thanks :)

thanks to everyone who greeted me. oh, especially the teachers: ms kyra, sir guinto, sir romero and sir chavez. woohoo :) i'm officially a year older right now.

the sun's going down. i'm in the den, witnessing the vivid, fusion of the colors in the sky. it's a shame such a beautiful sight happens only once a day, and it is not noticed even by many.

'i hope you don't mind that i put down in words, how wonderful life is while you're in the world.'

i love you.

keep that in mind :P

dragonflies.

2004-10-16T05:25:00.000-07:00

strike 3 for tonight. damn. what is it with this sh*t? i've been trying to keep up with this fast-paced crap. i've tried so hard. i've put them before me. i've done everything i can. what else do i have to do?

dragonflies aren't that adorable. they have hideoue large eyes. they're insects. they're bugs. yet they are one of the most tamed creatures. they mostly dwell near the waters. with their large eyes, they can witness the constant flow of the rivers through the huge boulders. they can watch the sunset and the different, modifying colors revealed by the sky. they are mindful of the beauty of nature in all her dimensions, and ironically, they are unaware of the cynical truth that she is trying to conceal. they just fly around, oblivious to the pain and sorrow life brings, joining the spirits as they roam free. they can fly towards the setting sun and feel its warmth in an ordinary cold twilight. they may fly towards the heavens, and maybe even perch on God's finger. they can whisper a simple wish to a star at night and ride with the sailing moon across the velvet sky. they seem to be nomads, travelers in a world without any boundaries. there are no limits. there are no restrictions. they seem to be the most perfect creatures. i wish i could be a dragonfly.

it sounds obnoxious, i know. it's stupid. it's just that time and again, there comes a moment in one's life wherein the world seems to close in and start to fall apart. dragonflies can easily fly back to God, their creator. they can stay with Him if they please. there is no holding them back.

it's not wrong to dream. it's my excuse of escaping from reality when i get tired of the constant misfortunes that life offers me.

'speaking of...'

2004-10-15T02:05:00.000-07:00

crap. i have long awaited for this day. at last it is a friday, signifying the end of an agonizing, weary week. oh but alas! there are still things that are meant to be done over the weekend. an example of which is the ip.

speaking of the investigative paper, very minor revisions are to be made to ours. i can already sense the approval of our first chapter. oh, chapter two, here we come!

speaking of bio, according to sir romero, TENTATIVE PA ANG PAG-SUBMIT NG EXPERIMENT PAPER SA MONDAY. in other words, 'WAG NIYONG GAWIN!! bwahahaha :)

speaking of sir romero, nakita nyo ba yung thing na nandun sa may side ng accounting? yung sa may likod ng ppro office. yung sa may football fied na malapit sa tambayan ng mga askals. wala lang. it looks nice. i think sir romero is the 'mastermind' behind that kasi nung thursday, norms and i saw him there, somekinda organizing the whole thing. may mga tao dun tas inuutusan niya. ang kyut. nyahahahaha. nagmukhang command central, parang THE room. pero malamang di-hamak na mas masahol yung sa THE diba. bwahahahaha. wala, i just remembered kasi i bumped into him a while ago on my way to gate 5.

speaking of THE, it was hell. look at my thumb, and you will witness an innocent finger that have been unjustly and EXTREMELY gashed by the stupid pins that we used a while ago. it may sound a bit peculiar -yes. impossible -maybe. but if she hadn't been so adamant, demanding and so inconsiderate (sum it all up with my stupidity), my poor little thumby would never have been injured!! waaah.

well anyway, so much for this post. i'm sorry. i don't have much thoughts right now, so there's really nothing that i think i'll be able to babble about. nyahahaha. thanks for reading, though. :)

tuesday: 10/12/04

2004-10-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

i guess it worked. i opened my windows last night, looked up to the heavens and prayed. i didn't have to shout so they would notice me. i was whispering almost only to myself and the stars heard me, the stars were listening to me. they accompanied my soul until it dozed off and fell asleep. they asked the moon to spill its golden, shimmering light upon me. then they told God my prayers. and He answered me.

i woke up a bit later than usual this morning. it was already 5:30, and i haven't finished my ap homework yet. oh yes, my number one expertice: cramming. i have no idea how i'd survive without you.

i stopped by the chapel a while ago and didn't see our school chaplain. another priest celebrated the mass, and he was in the middle of reading the Gospel when i entered. i stayed to finish his homily, and i came up with a conclusion that he was reading his sermon rather than spontaneously delivering it. he seldom made eye contact with the people, and i think i saw a couple of sheets of paper in his hand. so, what exactly is my point upon this simple observation? nothing really. i can't come up with any deep notion to dive into. it reminded me of inpromptu speech, though.

impromptu speech means english, and english means sir roldan. i was the one who wrote the God's Word on the board today. sir roldan claimed that he wasn't quite feeling himself during english time. i guess that's the reason why he used the left side of the chalk board for our objectives for the day, rather than writing it somewhere on the right, erasing what i have written. it did hurt me to see my writing get overlapped by his, but he didn't seem to be in his right senses a while ago, so it was okay, i didn't mind. hope he gets better tomorrow, though.

i failed my algebra quiz today. oh yeah! hahahaha. well, i was expecting it anyway, so no violent reactions about that.

i just remembered what jam told me before. sometimes, it is good to be silent, to isolate yourself or remain in solitude for a while and just listen to all sorts of conversations around you. it will result to a minor feeling of being somehwat trivial, but you get to think to yourself and get lost in thought in a positive way.

it's a wednesday tomorrow. 2 periods of bio. woohoo.

ay may quiz pala. booo. nyahahahaha.

isang biktima ng maling akala.

2004-10-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

hahanapin ko pa ba ang daan patungo sa aking tahanan? hindi ba't nakakatakot? malaki ang posibilidad na ako'y muling mawala.

nakakapagod din paminsan ang paghingi ng tulong ngunit walang nakakarinig sa iyo dahil ikaw lang ang nag-iisang bitag ng kadiliman. ako'y muling nawawala sa sarili, nag-iisa at nalulumbay, hindi makakita ang landas na kung saan nakapagbibigay lakas ang liwanag.

hindi na ba maibabalik ang kahapong nagdaan? nahihirapan akong sumabay sa daloy ng panahon. marami pa akong katanungan sa aking isip. pagod na akong hanapin ang mga kasagutan. nagsasawa na ako sa paulit-ulit kong kamalasan at iisang direksyong pinatutunguhan ng aking kapalaran.

matagal ko nang ninanais magising sa bangungot na ito.

marahil ay nasanay na ako kaya't nahihirapan akong iakma ang aking sarili sa mga pagbabagong nagaganap sa kasalukuyan.

siguro mabuti na rin na nalaman ko para hindi ako mukhang tanga, nakanganga at nagtataka. kahit papaano, meron akong kasagutan sa simpleng tanong kong, 'nasaan ka na?'

Unang araw
Sugarfree
Sadya ba talagang ganyan
Palakad-lakad ka't nakatungo
Sa'n patungo?
Ngayong wala ka na
Kailangang masanay na muling nag-iisa
Sa'n ka na kaya?

'Wag mo akong sisihin
Kung minsan ikay hanapin,
kung minsan akong iyakin

Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na
Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na

Nasanay lang sigurong nand'yan ka
'Di ko inakalang pwede kang mawala
'Yan na nga
Nababato, nalulungkot
Luha'y napapawi ng singhot
At talukbong ng kumot

sana'y lubayan na ako ng mga pag-aalinlangang ito. dapat ay nakinig ako nang sinabihan niya ako. pinairal ko nanaman ang aking katangahan. tila akoy' muling nabiktima ng maling akala.

:|

2004-10-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of things that i find hard to understand. my soul has been wanting to get out of this place for a long time now, yet you have been unceasingly ignorant and adamant, insisting upon staying.

i am not so childish as you think i am. i have a vast concept about you; and moreover, i have control over you. but why then, do you have to betray me by possessing this aggravating dominance to overpower my superiority?

i get tired of going with the flow. what i want is no longer being agreed to. where then, is my authority to manipulate you?

i understand the fact that you've always been unfair, and there is no point upon changing that because one will never succeed for you will never tolerate mortification on your part. i don't want you to leave me alone for you've been a part of me, and your absence means the absence of my loved ones as well. i don't want your company either because i will just be forever haunted by your demands, resulting to a crestfallen soul subsiding within of me.

i have been looking for hope all my life, but you have forbidden me to do so all this time. go haunt someone else's mind.

be sensitive enough to know when you're not wanted.

it's a short one for today. i am being witheld by an external force.

quiet night thoughts

2004-10-07T02:33:00.000-07:00

[edited: 10/08/04]

Quiet Night Thoughts
by Li Po
Before my bed
There is bright moonlight
So that it seems
Like frost on the ground:Lifting my head
I watch the bright moon,
Lowering my head
I dream that I'm home.

in the midst of the shadows, i stand motionless, terrified. you held my hand, and i saw your face. i was home. but then, i opened my eyes, realizing they have been closed all this time. the wind blew hard and i could hear the rustling of the leaves coalescing with the familiar subtle sound of the rain. it seemed as if a vast abyss surrounded me. it was still dark, and the clock read a quarter past 4 in the morning. it was all a dream. i am still lost. i want to go home.

i'm sensing i absent-mindedly went with sophie when she had gone to jupiter a couple of months ago. i think i got lost somewhere on our way back.

i was washing a test tube and a glass tube in the bio lab this afternoon. the windows overlooked a group of grade 5 students running around, playing. they looked so carefree. why can't life just let them be? i don't want them to experience what we're going through right now. i don't think they deserve it. they also reminded me of my own childhood. where are those days when i used to come home from school, praying that you wouldn't be on duty? i didn't mind all the homeworks i had back then, because doing them would be worth all the headaches knowing you'd be there to help me. everything seemed so easy during those days because you always knew when to put your arms around me so i'd stop crying. on our way back from jupiter, i think i misplaced those days. now i can't find them. i need you to get by. please, take me back home.

these things confuse me. my unending curiosity will not be satisfied anyway, so what then, is the point upon burning my brain out, thinking?

reality check. time to put the test tube and the glass tube back in the rack. time for lunch.

we 'met' jj montano during lunch. i was laughing hard. *winks at pyel* =))

pyel and i also had a duet during filipino time. i liked it. =))

everything went well today in my little kingdom, except for the thoughts that have been unreasonably haunting me for the past few days now. maybe i'll leave them outside my bedroom window tonight so the wind can take them away. or maybe if it rains, it'll be washed down, and will soon be part of the earth to decompose. no more nauseating thoughts. yipee.

there were a total of 7 commercials that interrupted bio class this morning. diego was reading out some announcements when i noticed something. i'm not quite sure with what i saw, though. i might mistake him, so i'd rather not expound further. =))

THE was okay. and for the first time, i am not, i repeat, i am NOT being sarcastic.

i felt my stomach tighten when he said those words. i then realized that his bluntness constituted and shaped a true friend within him. it is actually true. i mustn’t let my whole world revolve only around one person. i already went through that, and i saw that things weren't pretty. i almost forgot that there were other people that existed besides her. hey, what if this one’s different? i can sense it is. but then again, who am i to be able to tell things apart?

we had 3 quizzes today. i sucked in every single one, i swear. crap.

sir roldan read a parody today. it was amazing. he didn't mention the name of the writer, though. he received a common response from all of us. check it out. you might have the same reaction too. ;)

To _________
You know you're afraid within,
You don't need to know what's
within me.
I may not talk, I may not laugh,
But that's not the whole of me,
not even half.

You know you’re afraid within,
Because I never say the words –
Words that before were
like music and rhyme-
Well, here it goes, I think
now is the time-
I want you to be mine.

spidey in the terminal.

2004-10-06T01:59:00.000-07:00

"sometimes, you really don't have to say a lot. just the mere presence of the beloved is enough."

why, hello. that statement greeted me when i entered the chapel this morning. the priest even added that whenever he'd see lovers, they don't talk. they just hold hands, and yet, the sentiment of each other's hearts is beyond words.

it's been a while since i last saw her. as far as i can remember, i saw pain and deficiency when i looked into her eyes. i bumped into her once again this afternoon, and i didn't see anything new. i still saw the same, old traces of a unique sense of profundity and wisdom. i still saw pain despite her struggling attempt to hide them with a smile. i could tell that she's been through a lot, and that she was tired. it was as if she was trying to figure out a way to get it over with without even having to start.

i could tell by her silence that there was something pulling her spirits down, but when he went inside the room, i swear, i saw a trace of smile across her face. with that, it made me want to read the thoughts that were going through her head. i didn't have any clue. it made me somewhat contemplate on what the priest said earlier that morning, though. yes, he didn't say anything to her, and i doubt it if he even noticed her. yet the presence of that person made her smile. all of a sudden, i felt lighter. the world was suddenly a much better place.

scattered investigative papers are all over the place. i haven't done my stats homework yet, but believe me, i've started. i haven't finished my cl worksheet either. no, thank you, i don't have any plans of finishing it tonight. maybe tomorrow. nyahahaha.

anyway, you can't see when there's too much light, right? yeah, you're blinded by it. when there's too much darkness, you can't see either because you're blinded by it as well. what about being blinded by too much distance? is that possible? well, yeah, sure, maybe. but, what about when it's right in front of you, still you can't see it? nah, you're not blind. you're just far-sighted.

i just don't understand why you'd rather look far. i don't understand why you've been so oblivious, being unable to notice that i have been out here, standing in your doorway all this time.

_

2004-10-02T04:09:00.000-07:00

i'm sensing some hostility here. i just hope my intuition fails me.

anyway. it's been a while. our computer was down for a few days. actually, the hard disc was on the verge of crashing. good thing my brother knows his business when it comes to computers, so it's up and running once again.

it was tuesday. we started singing it and i felt myself shiver. all of a sudden, i felt like going back, going back to the days when everything felt so easy, when everything felt right, when everything was simple... because you were there.

maybe some relationships we'll leave but new friendships we can weave… but no matter what, i'll still keep in mind the achievements you've helped me find.

she told me that there were things that were meant to be left. at least you won't put behind the things i helped you accomplish.

this isn't goodbye... this is not the end... we'd still be the best of friends.

something inside felt heavy. there was no other way but to release them through my eyes. BUT powie and pyel got me a pain reliever. just with his smile, everything fell right back into place.

then there was wednesday. the bells were heard. it was already 12 noon. everyone stood up and i leaned against the wall. i was looking down as thoughts came surging in, crashing into me. there was silence except for the prayer being heard all over the school. i could stay like this for the rest of the day, i told myself, wishing that the five minutes of stillness due to the angelus would last for another 3 or 4 hours. unfortunately, i'm not a magician or whatever. crap. but hey, it wasn't the end of the world yet. in fact, it was no more than 5 minutes before we were to be granted freedom -only temporarily, though. (i don't care.)

down the stairs, off to lunch. i tried to look away, to keep my mind off it all but the thoughts were seemingly being rebellious, lingering in my tired head. i fell silent. she noticed and asked what was bothering me. she added that i haven't been myself since the day before. then she talked to me about it even if i didn’t want to show how much i wanted to. she said maybe there was just something that made me think of you that it somewhat pulled down my spirits.

a: tingin ko ako yung may problema eh. parang it's just me who's making such a big deal out of this. sa totoo lang, minahal ko siya.
p: yun na nga eh. masyado mong minahal.
a: and that's bad?
p: well, too much of everything is bad.
a: so, ako nga yung may problema.
p: let it go na kasi.
a: i did. di ko lang alam kung bakit bumabalik.
p: ikaw kasi yung taong matagal bago makalimot, matagal bago mag-heal.
a: kasalanan ko pa ngayon.
p: eh wala na naman tayong magagawa, tapos na eh. unless may magic yang tears mo na pag pumatak, it can turn back time. what, do you think it's worth crying for? i don't think so.
a: ang unfair naman nun on my part...
p: eh kelan ba naging fair ang mundo pagdating sa mga ganyan?
a: pero bakit? binigay ko naman lahat ah.
p: baka sa'yo lahat na yun pero sa kanya, hindi pa. malay mo naman may hinahanap pa pala siyang iba na hindi mo kayang ibigay.

there was no more that i had to add. she had all the answers. the feeling from the day before had not after all subsided. it still felt a bit heavy inside. i went with her to the classroom and went down alone, headed for the music room. all of them were somewhere near the askals' territory. i immediately looked for jam. i needed a hug -and she was the only one who i know could give it just the way i like it. when she did, i didn't let go right away. i closed my eyes and when i opened them, my vision was no longer clear. tears blocked my view.

i just had to let it out. and it felt good.

you know what, i agree. sometimes, it really does help to say I DON'T CARE :)

until now, i'm still singing the song. i don't care.

friday was okay. i was just craving for rest that was why i wasn't able to appreciate it that much. the best part was dismissal time. oh yeah. you all know what i mean ;)

*anyways, i hope you're reading this. you once mentioned that you sometimes 'blog-surf', so i hope you come across this thing. i just wanna say thanks for talking to me that day. it made a difference, really. um, di ko masabi sa'yo harap-harapan kasi i honestly really don't know how to put it. pero, listen, you might think na gusto kong ibalik yung mga araw na yun para makasama siya ulit. hindi noh. ayoko na. i'm happy with you -i already am. during those moments that you were listening to all the crap that was coming from my mouth, i felt like you were thinking na may hinahanap pa kong iba or i'm asking for something more from you. i'm not. baka isipin mo na mag-hold back muna kasi baka iwan kita or something. promise, i'm not going anywhere. i just feel a bit incomplete because what i thought would work didn't work out before. i guess i just miss her, that's all. oo nga, maybe some relationships we'll leave but new friendships we can weave. thankful din ako na nangyari yun kasi kung hindi, we won't have what we're having right now. alala mo yung reco letter mo sakin? i feel the same way towards you. i do still, and i always will. sana hindi ka mag-hold back or something just because i'm still not 'over' what happened sa amin noon. ayun. basta i'm not going anywhere. mas masaya na ko sa mundong pinapakita mo sakin. love yah dude :)

"maybe i'm blind...
-no, you're just far sighted."

pagpasensyahan niyo na ang walang kwentang post na ito :)

2004-09-20T02:16:00.000-07:00

malamig. madilim. tahimik. naging mahimbing na ang aking pagtulog matapos ang aking walang humpay na pag-ikot sa kama. kahit sa aking panaginip ay nadidinig ko ang alarm ng aking telepono. sabi ko pa sa aking sarili, ang aga-aga pa. bakit ba? eh linggo ngayon, bakit ang ingay? lunes na pala. intrams na.

nagising ako ng 5 kahit nag-alarm ako ng 4:30. inaantok pa ko pero kinailangan ko nang bumangon dahil sasabay lang ako sa aking mga magulang papasok, hindi sila pwedeng mahuli sa opisina.

dumating ako ng zobel ng 6:50. dumaan muna ako sa aming kapilya. nakita ko si kuya peter, inaayos iyong altar. maliwanag na pero wala parin talagang tao. lumabas ako at umakyat sa classroom para ibaba ang aking bag. tulad nalang ng aking inaasahan, sarado pa kaya doon ko nalang sa labas iniwan katabi ng kila sam. dahil nga may mga bag na doon, ipinalagay kong nasa gym na sila, nage-ensayo. dahil dito, medyo nagmadali ako ngunit nagkasalishan yata kami kasi pagkadating ko doon ay si mang tino lang ang aking nakita. (micmac, si mang tino!)

bumalik ulit ako sa aming silid-aralan. nakita kong wala na doon ang bag ni sam. marahil kinuha niya. lampas na ng alas-syete. usapan ay bago mag-7. nagmadali ulit ako, at biglang ang dami nang tao. nagprakitis na kami. ang saya saya.

pagkatapos ng bell, nagsibalikan na kami sa classroom at nag-ayos ng gamit. nilagyan namin ng mga puting laso ang mga buhok ng mga babae, at puting poster paint ang mukha ng lahat ng mga mananayaw. nagmukha raw kaming indian. ang kyut nga e. hahahaha.

mula sa field, nagparada kami. wala naman din nanood. watta parade.

sabi ay kami raw ang pinakahuling sasayaw. reaksyon namin ay, 'nanaman?' oo nga. nanaman?

nang sumasayaw na ang section d, nag-kumpulan kami sa likod. nakita kong napangiti si ms ardel at ms delfin nang makita kami. nagdasal kaming 21 -kasama si sir guinto. nagbigayan din ng mga huling paalala. pagkatapos ng sayaw ng d, pumunta na kami sa harap. nagsiksikan ulit kami na tila mga sardinas -tawag nga ni jam. ang tagal ng tugtog, in fairness. lahat kami ay, 'hindi rin matagal eh' ang reaksyon. narinig na namin ang nagmistulang dura ni justin timberlake. ayon na. nagsimula na.

hindi ako masyadong napagod, hindi katulad sa mga praktis namin. bakit kaya? nakakapagtaka. siguro kasi hindi ko na rin napansin. masya naman eh. masaya talaga.

nandoon ulit kami sa gazebo tumambay. ang daming pagkain. ang saya-saya.

tapos may nangyari. sinabi ko kay pyel. hindi ko alam kung matututwa ako o hindi, pero ok lang. pwede na.

tapos volleyball na yung event. natakot ako, sa totoo lang. hindi kasi kami masyadong nakapagpraktis. pero ok lang. dahil sa walang humpay na pag-cheer ng mga tao, nabigyan kami ng inspirasyon. iba parin talaga ang fc. tila may natatanging kapangyarihan. nakakatuwa.

finals na. kalaban namin ang f. sigaw nang sigaw si sir chavez ng go f, c. noong una ay hindi ko nakuha. maya-maya ay napa 'aaw' nalang ako.

noong 24 na sila, sa totoo lang, sabi ko sa sarili ko, 'wala, ok na naman ang 2nd place eh. pwede na yun'. pero pinahanga ako ni kalals. siya ang nagpalakas sa aming loob na hindi pa huli ang lahat. doon ko lang todong napaniwalaang meron talagang mga panahon sa ating buhay na kung minsan ay akala mo'y wala nang pag-asa tapos ayon pala'y meron pa. nakakamangha nga naman talaga ang Diyos. He does things in mysterious ways.

napahiga na ako sa sahig ng gym sa sobrang takot at kaba. hindi ko talaga alam kung ano na ang mangyayari. halos nawala na ako sa tamang pag-iisip. ang sunod na lamang na aking natunghayan ay ang walang humpay na pagsigaw at pagtalong naming lahat. ang saya talaga. hindi ko maipaliwanag ang pakiramdam. sabihin nalang natin na pagkatapos ng laro ay napatakbo ako sa field, napahiga sa damo at nagpasalamat sa Diyos.

halos lahat kami ay nandoon nalang sa gazebo noong hapon. nagpapatugotg, nagkwekwentuhan, naglalaro. hindi nila napansin pero madalas ko silang tinititigan, pinapanood. ang saya nilang lahat pagmasdan. ang gaan tuloy sa pakiramdam.

tapos nag-bonding pa kami ni micmac. o diba, ang saya.

tapos medyo nakanta naming sabay yung 'your song' ni elton john. ang saya saya.

tapos pinatugtog nila yung masaya. ang saya saya talaga.

"i hope you don't mind, i hope you don't mind that i put down in words how wonderful life is...

while you're in the world. " :D

in a daze.

2004-09-16T01:39:00.000-07:00

i was putting up our bulletin board when miggy approached me, asking if i was okay. i didn't exactly absorb what he had just said so i gave a faint, absent-minded nod.

'you look like you're in a daze', he told me.

i was.

save me. i am currently being killed by the voice in the back of my head. since last night, it has been unceasingly trying to slaughter me over and over again. i've felt this way before and once again, it is troubling my already troubled thoughts. it's materializing in the form of a recurring dream haunting the very depth of my mind and soul even if i'm wide awake, my eyes exposed to reality. my subconscious is trying to triumph over my mind, trying to aggravate the situation.

tell me you were just pulling my leg.

please?

...

2004-09-10T03:46:00.000-07:00

hindi ah. hindi ako galit. hindi rin naman ako nalulungkot. wala akong nararamdamang pagtitika, walang nararamdamang pagsisisi, walang itinatagong pagkamunhi. binibigyan ko lang ito ng kaunting pag-iisip. iyon nga lang, hindi ko alam kung bakit. hindi ba't sinabi kong hindi ako natuwa? na sa totoo lang ay hindi ko gusto? ang hindi ko maintindihan ngayon ay bakit binabagabag parin ako ng mga pag-aalinlangang ito. kung tutuusin ay dapat maging masaya ako dahil hindi natuloy, hindi ba? pero sana lang kasi hindi mo na sinabi. kung hindi rin lang naman pala sigurado, hindi ka na sana tumawag. ang problema mo kasi, bigla-bigla ka nalang sumusulpot. kahit kailan ay hindi ka magiging si superman, kaya huwag kang mag-inarte diyan na kaya mong iligtas ang mundo. oo nga, minsan nakakatuwa, pero kadalasan, nagbibigay ka ng matinding kaguluhan. akala mo magandang bagay 'yang pagiging mabait at maalalahanin mo? sa totoo lang ay nakakatulong nga, pero madalas ay nakakapangilabot. kaya sana sa susunod, huwag kang parang kabute diyan na bigla-biglaang sumuslpot nalang kung saan-saan, ha?

minsan, alam mo, iniisip ko, ikaw ba ang may problema, o ako? o baka naman tayong dalawa? hindi ba't pag may gulo, nakabubuting mag-iwasan nalang? kaya huwag ka nang magtaka kung cannot be reached ang telepono ko ngayong gabi. hindi ko bubuksan iyan hanggang bukas. ayoko munang makipag-usap. hindi naman ako galit eh. sabi ko nga sa'yo, binibigyan ko lang ito ng kaunting pag-iisip. sa totoo lang, hindi. gusto ko ngang makalimutan eh. bakit ko ba kasi 'to iniisip? ewan ko. umalis ka na nga sa utak ko, pwede?

teka nga, magkaliwanagan na nga tayo. ano ba kasi ang mga pinagsasasabi ko rito? unang-una, wala ka naman ginawa diba? pero iyon nga eh. wala kang ginawa. wala. ang labo. nalalabuan na naman ako. seryoso, hindi ako galit. ewan ko. siguro kasi ang gaan-gaan ng loob ko sa iyo noon. ewan. noon kasi, tuwang-tuwa ako kapag magkikita tayo, o kahit magkakausap tayo. tinuring kasi talaga kitang kapatid eh. sabi mo ganon ka din naman patungo sa akin. ako naman, isang hangal, naniwala at nagpadala. minsan nakakasama rin pala ang pagsabay sa anod ng mga bagay at buhay. hindi rin pala laging maganda ang bunga noon. siguro iba rin iyong iniisip ko. baka nagkamali ako ng pag-unawa sa mga salitang binitiwan mo. edi sana naging mas maingat ka. totoo pala talaga iyong sinabi niya sa amin, ano? iyong pagiging vulnerable, iyong madaliang penetrasyon sa amin ng mga sinasabi ng tao sa aming paligid. hindi nga naman talaga dapat paniwalaan, hindi namin dapat hayaang i-absorb ng isip at puso ang mga ganoong bagay. ang uto-uto ko naman pala kung ganon. hay nako. nakakalungkot isipin.

kaya, sige. hindi ko na iisipin.

dumating ako kila jam ng mga alas-onse kahit na alas-diyes ang usapan. wala kasi akong transpo kaya nakisabay lang ako kay laurs. okey lang pero nakakapagod. umikot pa kasi ako dahil sarado pa iyong buong town center. ewan ko ba sakanila, ayaw pa nilang magbukas. nakakainis. ang init-init eh.

basta, ayon. nandun kami kila jam, sumayaw lang nang sumayaw hanggang sa mauhaw. pagkatapos noon ay isang basong tubig lang ang katapat, sayaw ulit. masakit na ang mga paa ko, pero sige lang. tiis parin. sayaw pa. masakit na ang buong katawan ko. asus. baliwala. malayo iyan sa bituka. sige, sayaw pa ulit. gutom na ko. wala 'yan. meron akong fats. stored energy din iyon. sayaw pa, sige lang. basta. buong araw kami sumayaw. bukas meron ulit. sige, sayaw pa. one to sawa. sayaw. sayaw. sige lang. sayaw. sayaw pa. isa pa. sige, sayaw. sayaw lang nang sayaw.

in fairness nakakapagod.

pero okey lang.

ui, online si isko.

yehey.

?

2004-09-06T02:53:00.000-07:00

lalabas siya ng gate, sisipat-sipatin kung may mapaparadahan pa ba. kung wala na, tatawagin niya kami sa loob at sabay-sabay kaming maglalakad papuntang simbahan. kahit mainit at tanghaling-tapat, ok lang. kaunti lang naman ang aming lalakarin. pagkadating ay doon lang kami pupwesto malapit sa pinto. dahilan niya'y mainit sa loob. ok lang. mainit nga naman talaga doon.

kalimitang nasa left side kami habang ang aking dalawang kapatid ay nasa kabila. nasa likod ko siya, nakalagay ang kanyang mga kamay sa aking mga balikat. kung minsan ay sasandalan ko siya kapag medyo pagod na ako at ngawit na ang aking mga paa. ok lang sa kanya iyon. tapos kapag Our Father na, mga kamay lang niya ang aking hawak. wala nang iba.

naalala ko lang ang lahat ng ito nang magsimba kami kahapon. dalawa lang kami ng mom ko. puno na iyong pew kung saan siya umupo kaya doon nalang ako sa likod niya. naalala ko lang iyong mga "unang araw" kasi kahapon, walang kumuha ng mga kamay ko. mula umpisa hanggang sa matapos iyong kanta/dasal, nakatayo ako, walang masandalan, walang kamay na kahawak.

hindi kami nag-THE noong nakaraang biyernes. masaya, masaya.

napaaga ang uwian namin dahil may consultation period ang buong high school. pumunta kami sa filipino, stats, algebra at bio. oo, huli naming pinuntahan ang bio, at doon pinakamasaya kasi pinakita ni sir ang mga ISKOr na nakuha namin sa aming ikalawang mahabang pagsusulit. nandoon sila micmac, samgee, jam, miggy at kalals. nasa lab office kami kasama si sir, kinukulit. kinokonsensya. binabara. pinipilit. ang dami tuloy corrections ng lt. tawa lang kami nang tawa. nakiki-ride naman si sir. nakakatuwa siya. nakakatuwa silang lahat. ang saya saya talaga.

nanood din kami ng sine. masaya. nakakaiyak. sabi ni kalals humahagulgol daw ako. hindi naman ah. naramdaman ko lang talaga iyong sine... o baka masyado ko ngang dinamdam.

nalaman kong wala palang magsusundo sa akin. naglakad lang ako pauwi. madilim. mahangin. malamig. malapit na ako sa bahay nang naramdaman ko ang mahinang pagpatak ng ambon sa aking balat. lalo pang humangin. lalo pang lumamig. tumingin ako sa kalangitan at walang ibang nakita kung hindi kadiliman. walang mga bituin,ngunit ang mga ilaw ng mga gusali sa di-kalayuang lugar ang nagmistulang tala noong gabing iyon. nakakatuwang pagmasdan.

halos hatinggabi na nang matulog ako noong isang gabi. hindi ko inaasahan ang pagtawag mo. sabi mo pupunta ka dito. sa totoo lang ay hindi ako natuwa, hindi katulad noong isang taon. hindi ko sinasadya, pero tila nawala na ang lahat-lahat. tila nabigyan ako ng kaunting kaliwanagan tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na nangyayari noon. pagpasensyhan mo na ako.

siguro, oo. nais parin kitang makasama kahit sandali lang...

para lang maranasan muli ang dating mga emosyong pinilit kong ipakain sa isang black hole matapos magkaron ng pagsabog nang mamatay ang isang bituin sa langit.

malalim parin ang iniisip :|

2004-09-04T05:48:00.000-07:00

siguro nga, tama si pyel. mahirap mag-iwan ng mga alaala, kahit anong pili mo pa sa lugar ng iyong pag-iiwanan dahil madalas ay sinusundan ka ng mga kaisipang ito. di ka makakawala sa bitag na inihanda ng tadhana para sa iyo.

malalim ang iniisip :|

2004-09-01T04:51:00.000-07:00

alam ng isang tao kung malalim ang aking iniisip kapag palakad-lakad lang ako sa kwarto, paikot-ikot at tulala. kahit pag nagme-memorize ako, o basta gumagana ang aking utak, paikot-ikot lang ako, parang nag-aabang ng manganganak na pusa, sabi nga ng nanay ko. sa tuwing marami akong iniisip at gusto kong makalimutan ang lahat-lahat, natutulog ako. pagkagising ko kasi, siguradong naiwan ko na ang aking mga agam-agam sa malayong lugar sa aking panaginip. laking gulat ko nalang nang hindi mangyari ang inaasahan kong mangyayari.

pagkadating ko kaninang hapon, nasa loob ako ng kwarto ko, nag-iisip habang kumakain ng nagaraya. nagutom kasi ako. palakad-lakad lang ako, nang naisipan kong matulog. pagod na kasi ako dahil kakagaling ko lang sa paaralan, samahan mo pa ng mga walang kamatayang tanong na ang mga kasagutan ay matagal nang nabura ng tadhana at kahapong nagdaan. baka matulad ako kay tay soon. ayoko.

sa totoo lang ay kaninang lunch ko pa iniisip ang mga bagay na ito. hindi alam ni pyel pero ang mga tanong na bumabagabag sa aking isipan ang dahilan kung bakit ginusto kong tumayo sa harap ng field kanina. gusto kong mag-isip. malakas ang hangin sa mga sandaling iyon, at natakot ako. tila tinatangay ng hangin ang buhay ng tao. pagkabilis-bilis kasi ng mga pangyayari, nahihirapana akong sumabay sa daloy ng panahon.

hindi ko alam kung may pinariringgan siya, pero tinatamaan ako. hindi ko alam kung kasalanan ko ba, nahiya tuloy ako. hindi ko matanggal sa isip ko yung mga sinabi niya, hindi ko sigurado kung ang pumapatay ba sa akin ngayon ay matinding pagkakonsensya o ano. hindi ko rin alam kung panong gagawin ko sa quiz ko sa cl. hindi ko pa nakukuha, at hindi ko naintindihan iyong lessong iyon dahil absent ako nang ituro iyon sa aking mga kaklase. hindi rin ako nakasama sa pagsubmit ng proyekto namin sa bio kanina. baka isipin ng groupmates ko na wala akong kwenta dahil wala akong ginawa. kinailangan ko na kasing umalis dahil nag-aapura na ang mga busmates kong umuwi. ewan ko ba sakanila. ang saya-sayang manatili sa paaralan at makasama ang iyong mga kaibigan. hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit atat na atat silang magsiuwian.

pagkagising ko kanina, hindi ko alam kung umaga na ba o gabi parin. nawala ako, sa totoo lang. napaligiran ako ng matinding kadiliman, at hindi ko makita yung orasan kasi katulad lang naman ako ng ibang ordinaryong tao, hindi makakita kapag madilim. pagkatayo ko, binuksan ko iyong ilaw at nakita kong 7:30 na pala. hindi ko sigurado kung 7:30 na ba yun ng umaga kinabukasan, o 7:30 ng gabi. napansin kong naka-uniform parin ako, at halos nalalasahan ko pa iyong nagarayang aking kinain.

malamig ang simoy ng hangin, pero malayo-layo pa ang pasko. umaambon kasi kaya medyo malamig. hindi ko pa napanood ang pagbagsak ng ulan mula sa kalangitan hanggang kaninang pagkagising ko. may ilaw kasi sa labas ng aking bintana, at nakita kong pumapatak dahan-dahan ang ulan. animo'y sa sulok lang na iyon umuulan dahil kadiliman na ang bumalot sa ibang mga bahaging pagkatapos nito. nadinig ko rin ang tunog na 'plok', at naalala ko si miggy. muling humangin, at nakaramdam ako ng kaunting pagkagutom. hindi pa pala ako naghahapunan, mag-aalas otso na.

kanina sa hapag-kainan, kasama ko ang aking mga magulang at isang kapatid kumain. madalang lang mangyari iyon. nagpapasalamat ako. pinag-uusapan nila ang migrasyon ng aking nakatatandang kapatid sa states. naghahanap na siya ng trabaho doon, at hindi magtatagal ay susunod kaming lahat. ayoko. kontento na ko sa buhay dito. sabi na nga ba, mahirap talagang sumabay sa daloy ng panahon.

at ngayon, ako'y nakaupo sa harap ng pisi [LOL], nagsusulat, marami paring katanungang bumabagabag sa aking isipan. marami pa kong ibang iniisip, sobrang dami pa talaga. ewan ko ba kung bakit ganito. minsan ay nakakapagod din talaga. hindi ko alam kung pano sila masasagot, at hinihiling kong basta-basta at madalian nalang silang mag-evaporate, parang alcohol. ayoko ng tubig, high heat evaporation yun.

ang hirap sumabay sa daloy ng panahon.

ang hirap.

ang hirap talaga.

twenty-ninth post: one look, one smile

2004-08-31T02:13:00.000-07:00

gagayahin ko ung format ng karamihan ha. hahahaha.

mawkish.
it took one look, then forever laid out in front of me…one smile, then I died only to be revived by you…
i never really believed people who would say that they would feel their hearts skip a beat everytime they see someone special. i think of it as awfully pathetic, and saying it makes me sick... so, okay, maybe i won't.
on my way, i was thinking of running into him. my mind was showing scenarios, recalling those conspicuous, extraordinary instances. it was around that corner that i saw him walking towards my direction. i smiled. i whispered 'hi...' under my breath and he waved his hand like he usually does in reply.
i couldn't stop smiling. they were asking what happened for there was something unusual about my smile. they were asking how i can afford to be so happy when everything starts to pile up and crash down all at the same time. that's exactly what i've been trying to figure out, that's the exact same thing that amazes me. despite all the crap that is happening, it takes only one smile, only one look, and all of a sudden, life isn't so bad. it's fine. it's great. it's perfect.

search engines .
i got up early this morning to do a research on some scientists we need for our bio project. sometimes, it really aggravates me when i can find what i'm looking for. worse, i would ask for a picture of felix dujardin, yet i will be shown a picture of a butterfly. great. dujardin..butterfly.. it doesn't even rhyme. myghad. another thing is when it's loading, trying to search the word you have keyed in, you anticipate every second, desperately praying to finally find what you have been looking for. well, at least i do. still, it gives me a picture of a butterfly. and you call them search engines. myghad.

talk about drowning..
i read the blogs of some people yesterday. they all seemed to talk about one thing. yeah, the CL test was ina different language. i couldn't understand anything. bio was okay, the susual. the 1st long test was easier, though.
finals is just around the corner, and i'm not sure if i can survive. i have been drowning these past few weeks, unable to breathe, eagerly gasping for breath. well, that's how things go for most of us. it's just that sometimes, it takes only one look, one smile, and all of a sudden, life isn't so bad. it's fine. it's great. it's perfect.

alumni homecoming:
wala lang. naaaliw lang ako sa kantang to. i've been listening to it since yesterday, salamat kay laurs. actually, sa totoo lang, una ko syang nadinig kina gabby. ang bano ko talaga. hahaha. tinatawanan nga ako ni pyel kasi ang tagal na ng kantang to, ngayon ko lang nadinig. tsk. haha.

napatunganga nung bigla kitang nakita pagkalipas ng mahabang panahon. highschool pa tayo nung una kang nakilala, at tandang tanda ko pa, noon pa may sobrang lupit mo na. di ko lang alam kung pano, basta biglang nagsama tayo, di nagtagal ay napa-ibig mo na ako. mula umaga, hanggang uwian natin, laging magkasama tayong dalawa. parang kahapon lang nangyari sakin ang lahat, tila isang dulang medyo romantiko ang banat. ngunit nang mapag-usapan, bigla na lang nagkahiyaan, mula noon hindi na tayo nagpansinan. bakit ko ba pinabayaang mawala nang di inaasahan. parang nasayang lang, nawala na, wala nang nagawa. panay ang plano, ngunit panay ang urong, at inabot na tayo ng dulo ng taon. graduation natin nung biglang nag-absent ang partner ko. tadhana nga naman, naging magpartner tayo. eksakto na ang timing, planado na ang sasabihin, ngunit hanggang sa huli, wala akong nasabi. bakit ko ba pinabayaang mawala nang di inaasahan. parang nasayang lang, nawala na, wala nang nagawa. napatunganga nung bigla kitan nakita, pagkalipas ng mahabang panahon. sobrang alam ko na ang aking sasabihihin, at ako'y napailing sa ganda ng ngiti mo sakin. at nang ikaw ay nilapitan, bigla na lang napaligiran ng iyong mga anak mula sa pangit mong asawa. bakit ko ba pinabayaang mawala nang di inaasahan. parang nasayang lang, nawala na, wala nang nagawa.

bakit ko ba pinabayaang mawala nang di inaasahan. parang nasayang lang, nawala na, wala nang nagawa.

twenty-eighth post: you enjoyed the convenience of my solitude

2004-08-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

it was an hour past midnight and the roads were nearly empty. you were sitting in the front seat and i wasn't sure if you can see me looking at you through the rearview mirror. when you said goodbye, you waved your hand, and i just gave a faint smile in reply.
i was looking outside the window, seeing the lights fade into the setting as the car increased in speed. the shimmering city lights reminded me of the radiance i saw in your eyes when you smiled.
i woke up and saw nothing but darkness that surrounded me. it was 4 in the morning. it was too early. back to sleep i go then.
actually it's true. "...suddenly the madness starts... it's your smile, your face, your lips that i miss... those sweet little eyes that stare at me and make me say, i'm with you through all the way... it's you who fills the emptiness in me... it changes everything i see when i know i've got you with me... "
yesterday was great. i stayed over at jam's house again the whole day, and there was never a dull moment -as always. some of us were a bit worried about the dance, though. we barely have 2 weeks, and we haven't finished the whole song yet. but that's where our expertise come in handy. oh yes, cramming is our middle name. when i was about to leave, i could not believe my eyes. wormy was on the steps of jam's front door. oh! the memories of you, wormy. i'm glad our paths have crossed. you will never be forgotten.

--ang ganda ng song nato. wala lang. hahaha.

Solitude: Edwin McCain
Tim he was a good friend
Yea was a brother of mine
We were imaginary comic book superheroes
Kids wasting time
We were prisoners of our youth
We were growing up strong
'Til the day he was taken away
For something he did wrong
Tim came 'round just the other day
And boy he had some stories to tell
His mama kept him locked up in a rehab
Although the doctors said he was well
He said yeah I been through the anger
And the hatred towards my mom
And I put all that behind me
Just tell me what was it like to go to your prom
He said thank you mom for fixing
My clouded broken mind
But excuse me if I seem a little rude
While I was missing my childhood, my brother and my prime
You enjoyed the convenience of my solitude
Well growing up these days just ain't easy
And the kids they're doing the best that they can
So mama you better think twice
Before you lock your kid up and throw away the key
'Cause soon your little boy is gonna be a man
He said thank you mom for fixing
My clouded broken mind
But excuse me if I seem a little rude
While I was missing my childhood, my brother and my prime
You enjoyed the convenience of my solitude
Tim left town yesterday
He left me with these words
He said yeah I know this life's got a lot to give
But my childhood is gone
And I'm not afraid of dying
I'm gonna grab the world by the horns and learn how to live
He said thank you mom for fixing
My clouded broken mind
But excuse me if I seem a little rude
While I was missing my childhood, my brother and my prime
You enjoyed the convenience of my solitude

growing up these days just ain't easy... but we're doing the best we can... we were imaginary comic book superheroes... kids wasting time...we were prisoners of our youth...

twenty-seventh post:

2004-08-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

it's a couple of minutes past 8 in the morning, yet it's as if the sun is refusing to shine. it's still quite dark although the rains have finally stopped. classes were suspended, and i 'm not exaclty sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. this week has been a really busy one that's why i'm not so certain if we can still put off the sheduled tests for the following day, or for next week even.
i'm not yet done with my make up tests, actually. i was supposed to take all of them yesterday but since classes were suspended in the afternoon, well, so much for that.
we've been practicing really hard for the presentation on friday. it's really pressuring and tiring but i guess it's okay since we're having fun anyway, and at least there is progress.
around 3 or 4 weeks ago, deadline was the dreaded word. every teacher in our school assigned requirements and projects to be submitted, most of them all at the same time. when the week had finally gone by, we were all thankful. but i guess we acted too soon. we weren't actually supposed to. well, not yet. a couple of weeks after that, additional projects were given to make up for the incomplete requirements and low scores we received. weekends are so insufficient nowadays. we no longer have time for ourselves, it's always school. wow. it seems as if school has another synonym (pronounced as SEENONEEM): torture.
i don't think anyone of us have had a free saturday for weeks now. it's either dance practices, projects, tests, experiment papers, investigative papers, additional projects... oh no.
every night, i would feel my body ache. before i would go to bed, i'd take a shower and hope that as the water comes into conact with my body, it will go down the drain together with the pain. every night as i lay my head, i'd pray that i may reach reach a very far-away place in my dreams so i can leave my troubles there. but during the cold mornings, it's as if nothing's changed. i'd get up with a little twinge and try to study. after a couple of hours, i'd sense that my brain has perceived too much information that it can no longer function properly. feeling ko nga e pasmang-pasma na ang aking utak. tsk.
well, that's how life goes for most of us. i never thought high school is SO MUCH FUN. but then again, it's all worth it. especially when you get to work with the people you love. :)

twenty-sixth post

2004-08-19T01:17:00.000-07:00

the feeling is a mixture of both happiness and remorse as i hear them tell me about what happened in school. it's as if they had all the laughter in the world as i stayed at home, trying to endure their absence. another thing that's been bothering me is that i have been absent for so many days now. i'm afraid i may not be able to catch up in school. long tests, quizzes, projects, and homeworks have been excessively overflowing these past few weeks, and i have been drowning, unable to breathe.
aie, i've said it once, i've said it twice, i'll say it again, and i can say it over and over again. it was good enough that you made me smile, but you still insisted upon making me laugh and feel good. thanks. i can't imagine life without you. :)
it was during pe class yesterday when i noticed that my right eye was a bit red. i went to the clinic and put a few drops of this, err.. thing on my eye. i went to my next class, believing my eye was fine, and assuming the redness would soon fade, but after solving the brain-cracking equations in algebra, it started to excrete this.. thing. that was why i kept on looking at it with a mirror during bio class. my mind was some place else, not absorbing the things sir romero was explaining. i went back to the clinic during lunchtime and i was sent home. i didn't want to because there were still a lot of things to accomplish, and i can't possibly miss the lessons since tests are all over the place. but i guess sore eyes can't understand that, can it?
i haven't submitted my english theme paper yet. sandamakmak na minus na ang aabutin ko nito. i wish he'd be considerate and hopefully, he'd understand.
last night, pyel called me up and we tried to work out the chords for our song. it's not that polished yet, but we're getting there.
i might be in school by tomorrow afternoon already. but then again, i'm not sure. i think half day is good enough, though even if i'm going to miss my morning subjects. at least i won't have to take the THE practical test. ms matic might ask me to thread the sewing machine again and out of apprehension and paranoia, i might tell her, 'ms, walang needle'. #-o
i have been sleeping and trying to play our song on the guitar the whole day. my fingers hurt. really.
i don't know. i just felt a bit upset knowing i can't be a part of their happiness; i'm not there to witness the bright side of life with their smiles, their laughters and out-of-this-world hirits. i can't wait to get back to school. nakakamiss talaga. wahahhaha.

twenty-fifth post: silver jubilee

2004-08-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

jubilee. rhymes with jollibee. weird.

Just Take My Heart [Mr Big]: It's late at night and neither one of us is sleeping. I can't imagine living my life after you're gone. Wondering why so many questions have no answers, I keep on searching for the reason why we went wrong. Where is our yesterday? You and I could use it right now. But if this is goodbye, just take my heart when you go. I don't have the need for it anymore. I'll always love you, but you're too hard to hold. Just take my heart when you go. Here we are about to take the final step now. I just can't fool myself, I know there's no turning back. Face to face, it's been an endless conversation. But when the love is gone, you're left with nothing but talk. I'd give my everything if only I could turn you around. But if this is goodbye, just take my heart when you go. I don't have the need for it anymore. I'll always love you, but you're too hard to hold. Just take my heart when you go.

i actually agree. just take my heart when you go. i don't have a need for it anymore.
it's kinda late and some people are outside. my mom thinks i'm doing this research thing that i have to finish because i still have a lot to accomplish tomorrow. well, i still do have a lot to accomplish, and i was doing this research, but i just sort of felt like putting it off for a while.
my cousins had dinner here this evening. well, they're not the usual cousins that you're probably thinking of right now. they're not cute. they're not adorable or anything because they're no longer babies. they already have their own families, meaning they're already all grown-up and all that. i actually enjoy being with them despite our age differences. whenever they would talk, i would really listen although it doesn't look as if i'm really interested. i don't usually join in the conversation but i make it a point to absorb whatever it is that they're saying.
kuya luden, my favorite cousin seemed to be the most sensible one. i find him really smart and very empathetic. he always seems to understand everything i try to tell him, maybe because he's around kids almost all the time. he knows how to handle things. he's also such a good pacifier. maybe it's because of how he was brought up. he came from a well-rounded family, i suppose. he's very religious and i can feel how much he loves his wife. he makes a good husband, and without a doubt, he will be a good father. i was able to mention sir chavez to him since he's currently the principal of southridge. sir chavez once taught in that school and it's nice to know they still remember each other.
anyway, my eyes are really droopy right now, but i don't mind. i went to jam's house this afternoon for the dance practice. eeerrr, it's not that complete yet but hey, we're getting there. this morning, i was really looking forward to be with my friends. i felt really happy and all that. i felt this sudden feeling of rather being in the 'thinking mood' though when i got there. the sensation was further intensified when miggy played gone on piano. i've always loved that piece. it makes me wonder how someone can actually tell a story just by striking the keys. it was as if words were no longer necessary because hearing the whole thing already says it all. the whole piece is poignant. it makes you look back and imagine things. i don't know. that's how it is to me. i just wish that i can play it too. yeah, that's the word. poignant.
we had this 'bonding thing' at jam's house later that night. [actually, later this night. eeh?] yeah, why do i keep on telling myself that i don't have anything against her yet there are some things that i tell people signifying remorse and compunction? it's weird. it's really hard to explain. even i, myself can't fathom whatever it is that my mind is trying to say, or why is it contradicting with what i feel. she sort of opened up a while ago. well, i thought she was going to mention something about us, but instead, it was about him again. am i making a big deal out of this? because it's as if i'm the only one having thoughts about all this stuff. it's as if she doesn't care. like she has put behind whatever it was that we went through. she's projecting this image that she's forgotten all about it. well, i haven't. sure, i want to get those days back but at the same time, i don't. for one, i want to regain the feeling of assurance. but i don't want to be stupid and commit the same mistakes all over again. sometimes, you would feel that particular emotion that you've had enough. I'll always love you, but you're too hard to hold. Just take my heart when you go.
ok, my mom has been walking past this room for quite a while now. i guess it's time to wrap this thing up...
Wondering why so many questions have no answers, I keep on searching for the reason why we went wrong. Where is our yesterday? You and I could use it right now. But if this is goodbye, just take my heart when you go. I don't have a need for it anymore. Just take my heart when you go. . .

"Who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?"

Uncommon
Enmeshed and arrested be
In a warmth of such scarcity
Of such astounding rarity
For enshrined the name
Few – ever really see –
Missing in fortresses of the sea
Sometimes a stranger to serendipity
And even stranger if found frequently
For hallowed the name
None – ever really see –
-dexter fabi

twenty-fourth post

2004-08-13T02:00:00.000-07:00

i've been looking forward to this day since the start of the week. finally i can put my mind off school and sleep for more than the usual 4 or 5 hours.
yesterday, i dropped by the THE room during recess to submit the excercises that were passed last week and to take my practical test. well, thanks to my stupidity and absent-mindedness, i found myself almost ready to pack up and leave town. i haven't really gotten hold of the sewing machines in the THE room until this morning so yesterday, i was a bit paranoid. the only thing i knew was how to thread the darn thing, and i was this close to forgetting it. well anyway, i was about to put the thread through the needle hole when i couldn't find the needle. i thought there wasn't any so i looked at the other machines. of course ms matic was just right in front of me so she asked me what i was trying to do. i told her, 'ms, walang needle'. with those words, i saw her furious, petrifying eyes slowly widen as she reprimanded me. she told me to lift the needle and i just acted on a hunch when i turned the wheel on the right side. good heavens. i felt so mediocre and so stupid yesterday. when i told her that i was done with the threading, she went near me to check on what i did. my knees were shaking, i swear. i was praying really hard for my mistakes to magically vanish and finally be able to do something right. when i saw her write 10 on my paper, i let a sigh of relief. i couldn't wait to get out of the room and leave her sight. holy crap. i was so scared that even up to now, i can see her face... haunting me.
i was able to clear my mind for a while when we watched this dance show thing. they were supposed to tell stories by dancing, but i only understood what? 1 or 2? they were really good though.
i was so tired when i got home and i had nothing else in mind but sleep. i slept pretty early actually, and got up early as well. the cold wind greeted me and it made me want to crawl back to bed, but nope. still have to study. i did my THE basting thingy and it once again reminded me of that dreadful encounter i had with my teacher. that made me want to crawl back to bed even more and absent myself from school. ooh boy.
actually, this day turned out pretty good. i felt a bit 'aay' though because we didn't have bio again because of the assembly this morning.
anyway, ms kyra called me for an interview during bio class but since it was almost time, she decided to forgo with it. i suggested that we can hold it during english class instead because of my unfeigned, genuine passion for english. my wish was granted. halleluiah.
during the interview, i was asked about life, family and stuff like that. you know, the usual things. there was this one thing that i wanted to ask the guidance counselor but i wasn't quite ready for an intimate disclosure with her or whatever. i held back and forced the thought away. i was already about to leave when she mentioned something i'd rather not say. *winks at jam ;)* hahahahahahaha.
during lunch a while ago, you just walked right past me. that's okay. at least you weren't alone. sorry if i'm already suffocating you or something. sorry if i'm being selfish. just let me know if you've already found that special someone to be with you forever, okay? that way i won't have to worry. i'll try my best not to leave you, though. i just hope you'll let me stay.
towards the end of the day, i was on a high. and i mean high. highest even. i was screaming my head off a while ago. i don't know. i just felt like it. i'm usually the quiet type so even i, myself wasn't used to how i acted. miggy was trying to shut me up. he even tried to put masking tape on my mouth so i'd stop talking hysterically. fun. hahaha.
oo nga pala, isko, yung gitara mo or ni jj [naks close kami =))] or kung kanino man yun, nasa busmate ko. hahahaha. wala lang. kasi may op ata sila sa fililipino so kailangan niyang matutuo. wahahaha. wala lang :)
finally, it's friday. it's friday. it's friday. it's friday. it's friday. :)

twenty-third post

2004-08-09T02:22:00.000-07:00

my parents left pretty early this morning. when i got out of my room, they were already leaving. i was eating my breakfast alone when i realized how quiet the house was without my mom. my mom has always been pretty loud that's why you can easily tell whether she's home or not. it took quite a while to adjust to the silence and tranquility of the house. i was used to the nagging of my mom every morning, and the sound of the tv [even if nobody's really watching] that seems to be too loud suggesting that everyone in the house needs a hearing aid.
a lot of people have told me that he's not like every other person. i guess yeah, they're somewhat right. after all, it's been 3 years. honestly, there are times when he's the only compelling reason i can come up with why i look forward to going to school. it's because i get to see him and talk to him. i know i've said it before, and even up to now, it still is applicable and it still is taking place. i know it sounds crazy and everyone will die of 'cornyness' or whatever but somehow, it's true. whenever he'd look at me, i don't smile at him. i smile to myself. i smile to myself, trying to imagine how i have possibly lived my life without him for as long as i have. i smile to myself because i know that the only reasonable purpose of my existence is right there. and he's actually looking at me.
"i get lost in your eyes, and i feel my spirit's rise. so like the wind, is it love that i am in? i get weak in a glance. isn't this what's called romance? never will i know 'cause when i'm lost, i can't let go. i just fell, don't know why. something's there, we can't deny. and if i can't find my way, if salvation seems so far away, will i be found when i am lost in your eyes? i don't mind not knowing what i'm headed for. you can take me to the sky. it's like being lost in heaven when i'm lost in your eyes."
i was really looking forward to go to school this morning. i really missed everyone. i had a feeling this day was going to be one of the best, and Lord knows how thankful i am for being able to be proven right. this morning, i received my paper and i was so happy to have been able to meet one of my objectives. i, at last was able to get a perfect score on at least just one experiment paper. [sorry ha, kinacareer ko talaga ang mga expt papers. hehehehehe. ] the nights of restlessness and aching fingers, have finally paid off.
our make up quiz in bio was different. i think there were no more test papers left that was why the test we took asked for answers in essay forms. nabuking tuloy ang pagkabarok ko tulad nung please count again the mistakes... hahahahahaha =))

twenty-second post

2004-08-07T22:04:00.000-07:00

sometimes it saddens me that it's as if everyone is alone; as if no one is sitting in front of him, or no one is beside me or whatever. sometimes, silence can be deafening too. for some reason, i feel like she's asking things not because she wants to but just for the sake of it. after all, she should, shouldn't she? i don't know. it's like she wants to know everything but of course she can't. she doesn't have anything else to say that's why she keeps on asking the same questions over and over again every single day. it's like she has nothing else to do that's why she pretends to look for something that has been long thrown away already. she notices everything that a normal person would usually just overlook. i find it crazy. look, i'm sorry if she wasn't listening when i was talking about myself during the first day of classes of preschool. or i'm sorry if she wasn't there at that point in our lives wherein she should have. that's the whole point. i'm being sorry for something that's not my fault. then she starts to blame me for it? well, thanks.
a family usually have their meals together, right? you know, a meal where all the members of the family are what they call 'present'. that happens even just once in a week, right? well, i don't think we've had that for months now. it's either one is still sleeping, or one is not around, or one ate a big breakfast that's why he can't join us for lunch... you know. those kinds of stuff.
i usually have my dinner alone. then they'd ask me, who did you have dinner with? my answer? no one. then they'd ask, why? and i'd just stay silent and go to my room before the conversation turns to an impractical and unreasonable one.
i come home early. they come home late. i eat when i am hungry. and when i am hungry, all the people are still at work. so they can't join me. ok, no biggie. why am i even saying this? i don't know. it's just that they would ask why when they know exactly the reason why. and they would ask why when the right question isn't why. and they would ask why when there is no reason why. ok, so maybe everything has a reason. but not all can be explained. so why do people ask why so much? why are you so fond of asking why when you can just accept reality as it is?
ok. this is driving me crazy. so much for the why thing. it's so much better to stay in school than here. from the place to the people in it, it's so much better to stay in school.
every night, i would be so excited to doze off beacuse it'll be almost time for school. the next time i'd open my eyes, i'm gonna have to study, then it'll be almost time for school. i'm just gonna have to survive breakfast, then it'll be almost time for school. i'm going to have to wait for a few minutes, hope nothing will go wrong and just anticipate the arrival of my bus because i can't wait to get out of the house, because it's almost time for school. then he would usually say 'bye' instead of just walking right past me. i'd more often than not think to myself if he wouldn't say goodbye. i wouldn't care actually if she won't, but it would be a bit unrealistic if he would just ignore me. anyway, my bus will arrive, and it's almost time for school. then, it's finally time for school and that's the time when real life starts. i disregard whatever happened at our house and start the day all over again because it is in school that real life occurs. in real life, the people are true to you and you guys love each other. in real life, you talk when you eat and not just avoid each other's eyes. in real life, you ask how one's day went because you want to know, not just for the sake of it. in real life you laugh with the people you love, and you try to understand them if they're not in their right senses. in real life, there is hardly a lack of communication. and finally, in real life, you don't ask why.

--you just take reality as it is.

twenty-first post

2004-08-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

it's a saturday and this is something new. i don't usually use the internet on weekends unless because of research work or simply because of intolerable boredom.
i'm supposed to go to the doctor this morning but i told my mom that it was no longer necessary because i was feeling way better already. i might go to jam's house this afternoon but i won't be able to practice with them. maybe i'll just watch. no. actually, the reason why i want to go is so that i can be with them. i miss rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off with them. i miss talking to aie and make her blush. i miss those morning ceremonies where sophie and i would talk when everyone else would be reciting the panatang makabayan. i miss those afternoons with pyel, sir guinto and sir chavez. i miss those english classes when i would raise an eye brow on the overhead projetor screen either because i can't read whatever is in there or because i can't understand what sir roldan is trying to say [what what what? =))]. i miss those algebra classes when i would get dizzy and feel my head spinning in different directions after solving countless equations. i miss reading the undersized, some kind of entangled penmanship of sir romero during bio class. i miss everything. 2 days without the company of fc is unbearable.
i am so bloated right now. not because of food but because of assorted beverages that I have been drinking for hours now. first it was tasteless, then it was sour, and now it’s sweet. why can’t fruit juices have only one taste? they all have the same purpose anyway, don’t they? so at least when they are drank subsequently, they won’t taste that bad and the person won’t have this nauseating, i-sort of-want to-barf kind of burpy sensation. anyway, i’m ok now compared to yesterday and the day before that. [yesteryesterday..ha? =))]
pyel called me up last night. it's amazing how we can still manage to talk about stuff even if we're together almost everyday. it's like she never runs out of things to say.
i missed watching spongebob. [lol] i remember during the summer days, i'd try to eat lunch at 11 just so i can catch that little square dude. his stupidity added up to patrick's always make me laugh. i liked the episode nasty patty. that was when spongebob and mr krabs thought they killed the health inspector. hahahaha. i also loved the episode where they went camping 10 metres from their houses. the sea bear almost killed squidward because he drew an oval, not a circle. hahahahaha. then the sea rhino attacked him because he wasn't wearing the proper underwear. hahahaha. spongebob. it's amazing how a mere sponge can make you laugh. amazing? or stupid? hahahahahahhahaha :)
ok. feeling ko nahawa na ko sa ka-hyperan ni aie kagabi. hahahaha.
during those weeks, i was really craving for even just one single day of rest. look at that. i was given 2. hahaha. so much work was to be accomplished and i detested school. i've always detested school. it's the people who help me survive high school that makes going through it actually all worth it :)

twentieth post

2004-08-05T02:14:00.000-07:00

i slept in the clinic for an hour yesterday. i missed english and filipino class. i wasn't feeling very well. i got home and did our investigative paper. my mom told me to sleep early because i had a fever. i woke up this morning and when i got up, i could barely stand. my knees were shaking and my whole body ached. i still had a fever that was why i had to absent myself from school. i went back to bed and slept the day away. the next moment i opened my eyes was at 12nn to eat lunch. i drank my medicine which was really bitter and it somewhat reminded me of acids and BASES. hahaha. actually, i'm not allowed to use the computer because i'm still just supposed to rest but i can't help it. besides, i'll have to know the homeworks and the stuff my classmates did so i'll really have to chat anyway. we're gonna have a mass tomorrow. i'm gonna miss bio again! aaaaaack. mag-absent nalang kaya ako uli? hahaha. nah. abuso na. hahaha. and besides kawawa naman mga classmates kong nagtitiis gumising ng maaga habang ako, tinutulugan ang pagsikat ng araw. lol. anyway, nothing much happened today. i was so bored. i didn't do anything but watch tv and sleep the whole day. i wished somehow i was in school experiencing the same agony that my friends were: yawning the subjects and seatworks away, dreading homeworks and tests, and desperately anticipating to get out of those classrooms to regain liberty and independence. i kinda missed that... or maybe not! hahahahahahahahah :P as for me, normal life starts this afternoon because i have to study for the tests scheduled for tomorrow. hay nako. but look on the bright side. i get to go to school tomorrow and infect everyone. magkakahawaan tayo! weeeeeeeee. hahahaha =))

wala lang uli :)

2004-08-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

ako ay nasa comp lab. we're currently reviewing for our longtest to be given in a few minutes. ang frame, para lang ma extend yung animation thingy.. ung key frame, pag magi insert ka ng bagong symbol. ahahahha. :) frame is f5 while key frame is f6.

wala lang

2004-08-01T14:04:00.000-07:00

it's 5:03 in the morning and i'm doing our CL project. hinihintay ko lang ma-delete yung document kasi nagloko yung printer.. hay.. haha. wala lang :D kawawa naman si pyel, di pa natutulog.. :(

seventeenth post

2004-07-30T01:55:00.000-07:00

last night was one of the best nights of my life. we watched this gig in bellevue. inakbayan ako ni nyoy. may pic pa ko. hahahahaha. the music they created can be summarized in one simple word: WOW. pero i think the best part was that i was able to share the night with my best friend. you know who you are ;)
i know i started the day right but somehow, it didn't quite turn out the way i imagined it would. i got up at 3am to start doing my homeworks and to study since i was out the whole night last night. she said i was too hard to understand. she would rebuke and reprimand me even about the simplest things. simple things. very simple ones that others really don't notice and don't make a big deal out of it. but she did. she always does. i don't understand the rules of life.
t.h.e was so excruciating, so unbearable, so strenous. i was surprised i even survived those hours of what seemed like unceasingly working in a factory. well anyway, so much for that. what's done is done.
i'm hungry. i can feel and hear my tummy growling, hankering for food, ardently wanting to satisfy its cravings.
anyway, may nangyari uli kanina. ayoko na ulit ishare pero astig. hahahhahaha. ang iiksi na ng blogs ko these past few days. nakakatamad na. wahahahahaha :D
bakit ba lahat ng tao nagsisialisan? sad naman. :((

sixteenth post

2004-07-27T03:42:00.000-07:00

my cousins left for europe yesterday. when i got home last night, i sort of longed for the muddled house that we used to have when they were still around. even now, i'm still trying to get used to the atypical stillness of my surrounding.
over the weekend, we went to batangas. we stayed at this house in punta fuego. it was simply beyond words. the house was a bit far off the ground so you had to climb at least 30 steps to get inside the house itself. and when you get there, it's as if paradise has suddenly appeared before your eyes. there was this huge, wide glass window overlooking the ocean. the ocean seemed to be a vast, blue sheet of water. you could see the ripples on the surface of the water as the wind continuously gushed forth. white waves shattered into pieces as they hit the boulders on shore to be part of the ocean again. there were also a couple of small islands that were surrounded by this vast blue sheet. it was as if everything on that island was green. it seemed so refreshing to the eyes. there was simply no sign of perish in the place. everything was so full of life.
on sunday morning, i woke up pretty early. i was able to watch the sunrise. it seemed like a painting in action. on one side, the moon was still quite visible while on the other, the sun was slowly making its way from below the horizon. there were colors that i never thought would be involved in the rising of the sun. i saw colors like pink, violet, beige and of course yellow, red and orange. i loved the way the colors mixed and mingled with each other that one can no longer tell each other apart. it was the most stunning handiwork created by the proficient hands of God.

ay oo nga pala. may nangyari kanina. ayoko na ishare. hahahahahaha :D salamat nga pala... you know who you are :D

fifteenth post

2004-07-26T03:20:00.000-07:00

nakakaasar naman. ang haba na nung blog ko eh. uulitin ko nanaman kasi na-erase ng mom ko. kaasar talaga. arggghhhhh. i was this close to publishing it! nakakaasar talaga. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! bukas na nga lang...wala nakong gana. argggghhhhhh. ang haba na nun!!! asar talaga.
pero eto may sasabihn lang ako. nalulungkot talaga ako kasi diba may aalis. nakakalungkot talaga. dibale na yung mga pinagpuyatang investigative project proposals at yung chapter one na kailangan nating i-submit basta't wag lang syang umalis. nakakalungkot talagang isipin. *sigh* kakalungkot.

***biology will never be the same without you.. =/

fourteenth post: ewan

2004-07-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure if i'm going to greet you today. maybe i should. after all, it's your birthday. that doesn't happen everyday; but the thing is, i don't know. it's just that... why should i? after all, you've already probably forgotten all about me by now. everytime i'd open my account, i'd imagine myself getting all excited over a silly message from you. when i first knew that you were also sort of into that thing, i felt happy because somehow, we'd be able to communicate other than through the fone. i told myself that our conversations will be more frequent and that's a good thing. i guess i was wrong. you never wrote back. you never called back. you never probably even 'thought back'. ewan. sometimes it's so disappointing to expect, to anticipate, to look forward to something that will never even happen. it's even worse to hope that whenever they'd look into your eyes, they can see exactly what your heart is trying to make them see. sometimes when the world wants to play tricks on you, they can get really cruel. all your problems will pile up and everything comes crashing in on you. you want to give up but there's no escape in it. you can't quit. ewan. sometimes it's good to be alone. it doesn't always have to be in a solitary fashion. yeah, being alone is good. it gives you time to think and be alone with your naked soul. you can take a break from life when you're tired. you can forget about everything and just reminisce about the good stuff. no bad memories can haunt you down. ewan. i always thought he can help. he said that he'd listen if ever there's something that we want to tell him. he said that we shouldn't hesitate so we can somehow release our burden. well, i did release it, and i guess he listened. he didn't say anything about it though. ewan. --ewan. pagod na ko. nalalabuan talaga ako sa takbo ng mundo. pramis. ewan. ewan. ewan talaga. ewan.

thirteenth post

2004-07-19T02:01:00.000-07:00

huwaw. matagal-tagal na din akong hindi nakakapost dito. wala na din kasing time e.
nag-long test kami sa stats kanina at sigurado akong babagsak ako. haha. bahala na. normal na naman ang bumagsak nowadays.
anyway, last friday, nag-apply ako for counterpoint. di ko pa alam ung results pero sana pumasok ako. the topic i was supposed to discuss was about confusion. i never really thought of the deeper meaning of confusion before  so a lot of things came  surging in within me during those minutes that i was writing about it.
come to think of it, life itself is a product of confusion. you were brought to this earth without anything. you had to start from scratch.  it's hard to make something out of nothing. i guess that's when confusion comes along. you have no idea what to do. you start to get lost in a dreadful abyss without boundaries and there is nothing else but unanswered questions. you're constantly falling without anything to support your back when you finally drop on your rear, yet you still try to get up to stop yourself from falling but it's as if the darkness has sucked up all your strength. there's nothnig else left.   -confusing, isnt it?
they would often say that life is unfair and we just have to get used to it. maybe confusion is just the same thing. it'd never go away. it'd just be there, continuously haunting you, peaking out its head in one corner. we can't do anything about it but just live with it and get used to it.
over the weekend, we went to this place somewhere in laguna.   i could have never seen a place more splendid. if you'd go out to the backyard of the house that we stayed at, you'd see the hazy mountains with its peaks being obscured by the clouds and mist. also at the back of the house, there are 100 steps downward going to the waterfalls. the sound of the waters was too dreamlike. it was too good to be real.
a few kilometers from the house, we went to this stream. there were these big boulders, and the flow of the water was so powerful that if you don't hold onto the rocks protruding from the water, you'd get swept away. the rocks under water were slippery as well. i even lost my footing and gashed my left knee. there were also a lot of dragonflies. their wings had different colors. i have been told that they're actually one of the most tamed and friendly creatures. they even perched on my finger when i pointed it towards the sky. i held their wings together and they had these huge eyes that stared at me and i felt actually good about it. you won't get scared or get disgusted of the mere fact that an insect with huge bulging eyes is perched on your finger, staring blankly at you. astig. hahaha.
the sight of the water flowing unceasingly was the best part. i felt so pensive just staring at the water. it didn't have any origin, no derivation, nor did it have a dead end. it had no boundaries, no limitations. it was just flowing endlessly. flowing. flowing. and flowing. and still flowing.
the wind gushed forth, and i saw a leaf fall from a tree by the riverside. sometimes, i guess you have to let go if it's already time to let go. just like the leaf, something will catch it anyway. the water will never stop from flowing. at least it can bring the leaf to many places and the leaf won't be fated to just hang up there forever.

twelfth post

2004-07-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

this is exactly what you're doing. you know, even if i feel so bad already and it's as if i no longer have the inner strength to smile, you still give me a thousand reasons to feel good and laugh. you'd be walking along the corridors and i'd see you smile. you'd have this big smile on your face, and i'm never the same. i'm never my old self again.
yesterday was the first day that my cousins went to observe our classes in school. my mom didn't go to work yesterday so she was the one who drove us to school. i don't know. it was as if she tried to blame me again for some stuff. she would talk to me as if she's always irritated or something. she'd raise her voice even if she can say it in a nonchalant manner. i mean, she doesn't have to be so angry all the time. it discourages me to talk to her because it's as if she has no interest in what i'm going to say. but there are times when i want her to be the one to take me to school just like old times so we can talk more often. she used to do that when i was in 3rd grade i think. i guess somehow, i want those days back. at least everyone would see that my mom has time for me unlike the other kids in school. maybe she can also give me a ride going back home in the afternoon. maybe she will be tired but she'll ignore the fatigue not only because i won't have any other way back home but because she'll feel relieved to hear me tell her how my day went. she'll be okay knowing i had a good time. even if i'm not so enthusiastic here at home, even if i don't show much emotion, it doesn't mean that i'm insensitive. i appreciate everything that this life has to offer. it's just that i'm more of a keep-it-inside type of person.
we had dinner outside last night and we arrived at a quarter past 10. i slept at around 11 and had to wake up at 4am to study and finish my homework. anyway, i was with my cousins and our parents last night. bea and her dad were goofing around again. she was even punching her dad on the arm because he was making fun of her. bea would talk and share her day with him and i'd see my uncle's dark green eyes on her. he was really listening to every word she was saying. sometimes i'd think that i don't want to see them when they're all together. they remind me of that dream that i've always wanted to live. i'd often tell myself that maybe if i wished loud enough or harder, maybe if i wished upon every single star that i'd see, it can come true. maybe i just have to be patient. the only problem is, everything reminds me of that dream. it's as if the whole world is envying me for having what i've always wanted in my life. sometimes, yeah. it works. i do get offended and jealous. just like last night. it seemed like there is no instance in my cousins' lives that they are left alone with no one to talk to.
there will be nights when i'd just lie awake and think. maybe there is nothing wrong with my life. maybe the only flaw is how i look at it. but sometimes, i just can't help but feel sad for something i don't have and sure that i can no longer have. sometimes, i can't help but blame the world for taking something that's not theirs. sometimes i tend to blame them for ending everything that made me happy.
maybe there are times when you'd feel like you don't have anywhere to go in life. it's like you don't have any direction. well, maybe because the only person who taught you about life, who showed you life, who introduced life is already gone. and you can't have him back. i'd feel likewise most of the time. it's like, i'm as good as nothing because he's gone now and i can no longer have him back.
i'd easily get moved by the things that people do -even the smallest ones. just by the words they say, they can make me feel special and feel as if i'm the most important thing in the world; and at the same time, just by the words they say, they can make my soul crash and fall apart too.

eleventh post: it's crazy. it's weird. but it's true.

2004-07-10T03:15:00.000-07:00

micmac and miggy were the last two persons to leave. those are my two greatest guy friends who make up a great big laughing machine when put together. it's crazy. it's weird. but it's true.
the sun is currently sinking below the horizon, and the color of the sky is seemingly erratic. in fact, it's amazing to see one side of the sky painted somewhat in pink while the other half is still in blue. actually, if you'd just take time to look, there are different colors in every corner just as there are different movies in different cinemas, and different stories in every part of our lives. one side, you can find tragedy; in another, you can find love; in another you find happiness and so on. it's as if everything is different but the source is all the same; it's as if they can't occur all at the same time, but one can't exist without the other.
Jesus said that for us to be able to know joy, we must experience sorrow first. maybe that's the reason why happiness can't occur everyday in our lives. there must be a balance between the both of them. how can we appreciate happiness if we don't know how it feels to be in grief? it would feel like there is no difference. i guess same thing applies whenever we'd rather be numb to excuse ourselves from all the pain life may bring. we wouldn't know the essence of being numb if we didn't or even don't have feelings.
there's always this person who makes you feel special each day of your life. it's as if he always gives you a reason to smile and laugh away the pain whenever the whole world would conspire to put you through torment and agony. it's like, he doesn't have to say anything really. just his presence would already mean a lot. and whenever you see him and your eyes meet, he thinks you're smiling at him but you're not. you're actually smiling to yourself because you know that he's a constituent in your life that you can't imagine existing without. and he actually looked at you. he's the reason why you keep on looking forward to some things and the reason why you never lose hope. there are times when you don't like the way he sees things. i mean, sometimes he wouldn't understand the things you expect him to. sometimes he'd really be clueless of things but when the moment comes that you don't expect anything of him, he surprises you. even if you detest something in him, you tend to disregard it because you have learned to love everything about him. sometimes, you don't really pay attention to him but you want him to know that in the corner of your eye, you're staring at him. even if it's so movie-ish and so yucky type of mushy in a kind of way, you can't deny the fact that there's a song in your head being played whenever you see him. it's crazy. it's weird. but it's true.
the sky is dark and all i can see are the lights from the houses and the buildings across the window. they look like stars that are so near; stars that you don't have to look up to. they somehow twinkle as well. it's crazy. it's weird. but it's true.
life is that way. crazy. weird. but true.

tenth post

2004-07-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

"it takes the average human seven minutes to go to sleep, but according to Hand's Human Physiology, it takes the same average human fifteen to twenty minutes to wake up. it is as if sleep is a pool from which emerging is more difficult than entering. when the sleeper wakes, he or she comes up by degrees, from deep sleep to light sleep to what is sometimes called 'waking sleep', a state in which the sleeper can hear sounds and will even respond to questions without being aware of it later...except perhaps as fragments of dream." (pet sematary: stephen king)
this happens to me most of the time back in the summer days when i used to read books (most especially the scary ones) before i go to sleep. i'd usually read for hours, even at the break of dawn, you'd see a light from my bedroom indicating that i was still up. sometimes i'd be really groggy that if someone would text or call me and i'd try to open the message or receive the call for that matter, the next morning, i'd disregard it and consider it all as a dream. also most of the time, i'd have nightmares whenever i'd read scary books, especially the ones of stephen king. i remember once when i wasn't even in the middle of the book i was reading when you called one late summer night. it was 11:00 and i was waiting for a message from my friend. i was there, reading the book 'pet sematary' and i felt my fone vibrate. without even looking at the screen, i opened the message assuming it was from my friend but when i finally looked at the screen, it read 'call 1'. i actually received a call instead of a message so i held my fone close to my ear and said hello. i was surprised to hear the voice i heard on the other line that night.
i went out of the room to get a better signal and you seemed to have been surpirsed by a little startle and alarm in my voice. you asked what was wrong or if it was a bad time for you to call and i started to explain. you just laughed. i think that was the best conversation we had over the fone. i didn't stutter, i didn't feel stupid after saying things to you. i was finally able to prove that it is indeed true that whenever we talk to special people, our souls tend to channel another that seems to understand life far more better than we do. we kept talking until it was already slightly after midnight. you said you were to hit the sack already so you had to go. i said that i'd still probably continue reading the book i was currently reading and try to finish it because if i don't, the scary parts would linger in my head and i'd see them in my dreams. that was when you told me to pray first so i won't have nightmares. you did sound like an older brother and that's exactly what i USED TO love about you. you can pretend to be someone you're not and it's actually not a bad thing.
i couldn't sleep that very night. it was as if your call woke up even the slightest nerves in me that my adrenaline kept on staying up there, higher than the tallest mountain. i couldn't get to sleep everytime i tried to so i decided to finished the book. well yeah, i did finish it at around 4:30. that was my latest stay-up-late-at-night thing, and it was all because of that call, i guess.
i don't know. like i said, it all starts in one song, then all the memories would come surging in within me.

it all starts in a song...

2004-07-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

let me sleep for when i sleep, i dream that you are here, you're mine, and all my fears are left behind. i float on air. the nightingale sings gentle lullabyes so let me close my eyes and sleep -a chance to dream so i can see the face i long to touch, to kiss, but only dreams can bring me this; so let the moon shine softly on the boy i long to see and maybe when he dreams, he'll dream of me. i hide beneath the clouds and whisper to the evening star. i tell him, my love is just a dream away, a dream away. so let the moon shine softly on the boy i long to see, and maybe when he dreams, he'll dream of me. oh, dream of me...
lately, i have had the strangest feeling with no vivid reason here to find, and yet the thought of losing you hangs around my mind. far more frequently you're wearing perfume and then you say no special place to go but when i ask, will you be coming back soon? you don't know. you never know. i'm a man of many wishes, i hope my premonition misses. what i really feel, my eyes won't let me hide 'cause they always start to cry; and this time could mean goodbye. lately, i've been staring in the mirror and very slowly, it's taking me apart. i'm trying to tell myself that i have no reason with your heart. just the other night while you were sleeping, i heard you whisper someone else's name; but when i ask you of the thoughts you're keeping, you just say nothing's changed. i'm a man of many wishes, i hope my premonition misses. what i really feel, my eyes won't let me hide 'cause they always start to cry; and this time could mean goodbye...

eighth post

2004-07-08T01:44:00.000-07:00

yeah, it's so darn ironic. there are a lot of people out there who have their fathers but often disregard them while i'm here, dying to get those days back with him. how ironic. how unfair even. well, yeah, i guess so. that's life. that's what makes life interesting.
in cl a while ago, i realized some stuff. we were asked to illustrate the connection or our relationship with our loved ones. i realized that my mom and i aren't that close; however, i know that she tries to reach out but it's me who keeps on receding. i'd often ask myself what her problem was for always doing this i detest and i'd come up with the answer that there's nothing wrong with her but instead, there's something wrong with me. maybe i don't understand her near enough or maybe it was also the space between us before. i didn't really grow up with her and it's not that easy to be close to someone overnight -even if she's my own mom. i know that we should at least try to develop our relationship; i mean, after all, she is my mother, but... i don't know. it's not that hard to put a tragedy behind you.
i am currently a chocolate monster. i have been eating chocolate since this morning that was why i was sort of 'hyperized' and 'perkyrized' on my way to school. on my way to the classroom, something happened. i'd rather not say :D hahahaha.
art was our first subject and my drawing sucks. it doesn't look anything like a ball with a shadow. it's more of a... i don't know. it's so ugly that even i can't imagine what it is. haha.
nothing really interesting happened today. oh, we had our club promo -no wait, that's not interesting.. anyway, same banana. i'm not sure in what club i'd be. i want to join counterpoint (i believe you have an idea why i'm having second thoughs...)and jammers and yfc. i haven't really decided yet.
anyway.. i'm hungry. haha. i can smell the sweet, sweet aroma of food, but it's too early to eat dinner. it's only 5 o'clock. oh, when i was on my way to school a while ago, the last song i heard was dream of me by kristen dunst so i was singing it as i unpacked my things.
one morning ceremony, i asked sophie why we never got lss from singing the national anthem every single morning. well, she said that it was baduy that was why it had no chance to be stuck in our heads. i was laughing really hard when she told me this. haha.
tomorrow's friday, my favortie day of the week. i'm still having second thoughts on going to atc tomorrow to watch mean girls. for one, it's a friday and i'll have the house all to myself. with this situation, i'd rather stay home. another thing is, i think we're going to leave early in the morning the following day so i need the rest. but of course i wanna watch mean girls too especially with my friends, and i have to buy something at the same time. ack. i don't know.
oh btw, ung notes nyo sa THE, nakapost sa forum natin sa sir pats. sa freshmen c ha :D

**word of the day: PRIOR -hahahahaha :D

--teka, nakakaasar naman ung science. diba sabi ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS?? edi ung answers to questions ung sinulat ko sa exp paper. argh. ang labo naman e.. ack.

seventh post

2004-07-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

i wasn't able to post a post (huh?) yesterday because i went to the cinemas with my cousins to watch spiderman. well, it was okay but i couldn't say that it's currently climbing up the charts of my favorite movies. i'm not exactly a sci-fi movie fanatic.
anyway, we had an early dismissal yesterday, just like any other tuesdays. however, the thought of getting home early just stayed in my mind, it didn't really happen. i had to copy notes for THE (take note, it's not HELE...) so my bus left me -together with meg, my busmate. it rained quite hard so when we got to the gate, we couldn't just put down our bags because the floor was wet. we waited for almost an hour at the gate. my shoulders were almost falling off so i decided to put my bag on a chair but this kid was all, "hey, i was sitting there!" me, being so irritated and tired, tried to summon up all the patience i had and apologized to the kid, although in my mind, i wanted to tell him to get a life and a CHAIR of his own. you snooze, you lose! finders keepers you little brat!! but of course i couldn't tell him that.
after some time, my busmate and i decided to cross the street and wait in the waiting shed instead. what little mediocre brains we had. a waiting shed was for WAITING. hello. what else could it be for? so there we were, sitting on one of the benches when our bus arrived. our driver said that they were caught in a traffic that was why they weren't able to get back right away. well, okay, no more arguements. case closed.
when i got home, it was already 4:30. we were about to go to the cinemas at that moment so i hurriedly changed my clothes. i didn't have time to do my homework but that was okay. cramming makes perfect. hahaha. just kiddin.
we had dinner at our house. i ate popcorn inside the cinemas while watching the film that was why i harldy had room for dinner. after our meal, it was already quite late but i couldn't sleep yet. i had to do my homework. well, kind of. i just printed some pictures for my experiment paper and i was already dead to the world. i tried to wake up at around four but nope, didn't work a while ago. i told you, cramming makes perfect. i had to do my homework in school and copy from my classmate. hahahaha. tsk tsk. im bad. haha.
well anyway, i heard the song 'hands to heaven' by breathe on my way to school this morning. of course, just as i expected, it got stuck in my head. but that was okay. anyway, i actually didn't pay attention to the lyrics much until this morning. when i heard it and listened closely, it was actually good. the lyrics were great.
this day was actually better than i expected. i passed my science quiz, algebra was great and stats wasn't that bad. the only fault was that i wasn't feeling that well this morning. i was still thinking to myself the things that happened the night before. once again, my uncle made me cry. he always does. i'd always see him goofing around with his kids and running after them despite the fact that they're already teenagers. i saw him hold my tita's hand as we walked and i felt how much he loved her. he would make faces with his daughters and laugh with them. he'd listen and look at them whenever they'd speak, and he'd even make fun of them too. he would try to kiss his daughter because he knows how much she dislikes it whenever he tries to and they would all laugh hard. i can really tell just by his actions that he loves his family more than anything else. it's so difficult to see a father like him these days. i'd think to myself how lucky his daughters are to have someone like him as their father. i felt a bit uneasy knowing that can never happen to me again. i also felt a bit sad knowing everybody else had what i've always wanted but can never have back again. you know what i mean? it's like all of you have him except for me. everybody else have their fathers and they even tend to neglect them at times. how ironic. hindi ko maintindihan ang daloy ng panahon at ang pag-ikot ng mundo.
well, those thoughts lingered for quite some time but they flew away -probably to someone else's mind. well, past is past. i can't do anything about it anymore although of course, it feels so unfair. yeah, i know. life is unfair so we just have to get used it, and sometimes we just have to take reality as it is and not ask why anymore. life does have this tendency to take all the innocence and simplicity in the world. bummer.
"...i knew for sure i was loved, and i never dreamed that he would be gone from me. if i could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him, i'd play a song that would never, ever end. how i'd love, love, love to dance with my father again. i know i'm praying for much too much, but could you send back the only man i loved? i know you don't do it usually but dear Lord, i'm dying to dance with my father again. i'm dying, dying to die just to come back so we can meet again. dying, dying to say what i always should have said. it's a strange emotion [this] but there's still hope in this as long as there's a breath. i'm dying and i can't live without you again..."

sixth post

2004-07-05T02:28:00.000-07:00

emptiness: bareness, barrenness, blankness, meaninglessness, worthlessness, purposelessness.
-is it possible to overflow, yet to be so empty?
i couldn't really sleep last night. i was thinking of how he always reminds me of you. i got up and sat down by a shadow cast by the moon. i once again was a captive of the night, trying to endure your absence.
i knew that i've been having a hard time in school and i'm now craving for those days when you were there to help me. as the night deepened, i saw the colors of the stars mingle with the blackness of the heavens. watching the stars sink and fade into the darkness one by one, i make an effort to keep myself together, to try and be honest to myself. reality does have this aggravating capacity to let the truth magically unveil itself no matter how hard i struggle to withold it. i've lost you. you're gone now. you're no longer coming back. though our memories together would always keep you alive in my mind, heart, soul and in every part of me, it still wouldn't be the same. i need you to get by. i need you here with me to conquer the immensity of life. too much darkness has surrounded me by now. daybreak has been gone too long.
i slept at after midnight last night. the moon was shining brighter than ever so i opened my blinds so i can see it as i doze off to sleep. i'd stare at the darkness, and feel the moon gently pouring its light on my face. the yellow light was scattered on my bed like those puddles of water, the ones you see after it has rained quite hard. i fell asleep that way, and when i woke up, it was even better.
i turned on the lampshade by my bed and squinted my eyes because of the sudden brightness after hours and hours of abysmal obscurity. the clock read a quarter past 4. it was still dark outside with the sun still hiding, still oblivious to the world. the wind blew hard, adding up to the coldness that the absence of the sun already brought.
i've always looked forward to these mornings, the mornings when i would have to study with my eyes all droopy just so i can recite even once in class. this has been my habit ever since the opening of school. i'd have a lampshade on the edge of my table with books and pieces of paper all scattered around me, then little by little, the darkness would seem to vanish as the sun would slowly be exposed. with this kind of start, i have never imagined that it would be the same dreamlike day that would bring me something dire like a dreadful nightmare in the middle of a night -or worse, in the middle of the day.
i am not sure if i can stand one more day in school. i am not sure if i'd get through this year like i've always told myself. i am not sure if i'm going to pass my freshman year. i am unsure of a lot of things at the moment. i've never felt so overflowing yet so empty.
tests are everywhere, distressing me left and right. it grabs me from behind, giving me a headache similar to the pain one feels after banging his haid continuosly on the concrete wall. holy crap. it's freaking everywhere! it's just the start of the year yet the feeling of not wanting to go to school anymore is building up.
how can the sophomores look as if they were so calm...so stress-free?! how on earth do they do that?? it's as if it's so easy but it is so darn not! aaaaaaaaaah!! i'm not going to survive!!! i'm failing in everything! i'm falling apart! i need a break (...i need a kitkat..hahahhhaha.) waaah.
it was so much better to be free from all the responsibilities in the world last summer. i didn't have to do anything, i could just watch spongebob the whole day on a square little gray box with a screen and that rectangular thingy with those little buttons. i can sleep all day and wouldn't have to worry about tests and homeworks for the following day. i can stay up really late and don't care if the sun is already at its highest peak when i finally get up. i miss those days. well, you know what they say. you don't know what you've got til it's gone. over the summer, i've never wanted anything else but to go to school because of the intolerable boredom i always felt. but now, no. i'm regretting everything i said! i'm dying to get those days back.

fifth post

2004-07-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

"...she's the only girl who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. without her, i'm not loving, only existing until i finally get to hold her n my arms... " sound familiar? yup. it's from the film the hot chick. just saw it a while ago in star movies. wow. that was so sweet to come from a guy.
anyway, it's 12:06 pm according to the computer clock right over there, on the lower right corner of our screen. my parents are out and my cousins as well. i think they went to tagaytay. i didn't come along because for one, i was still asleep when they left. they didn't wake me up. another thing is, there's going to be a test galore tomorrow so i have to study. actually, i haven't started yet so wish me luck. hahaha.
i had fun yesterday, and i'm not just saying that to please anybody. i really did. it was the first day of my cousin'here in the philippines and they didn't have anything else in mind but shopping. that afternoon, we were to go to atc. while we were waiting for my cousin, rox and her mom, i was in the den with my uncle and my cousin, bea. my uncle was so sweet. whenever his kids would talk, he would really listen. he would always have this bright smile on his face as if he were a little boy always being amazed and astonished by how things were working. i saw him caress his daughter's face and push her hair gently behind her ears with his fingers. that was the sweetest thing i have ever seen.
we went to atc so my cousins and my tita could shop. my uncle and stepfather went to the barber shop to have their haircuts. my uncle was so happy because he only had to pay a very little amount of money. in austria, according to him, the haircut was very expensive. in here, he was surprised that the barber even massaged him for free. he was so happy. hahaha.
well, basically, that was it. tonight, the rest of our family would have dinner here. wow. can't wait. :)

fourth post

2004-07-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

ok. wee. 4th post. my cousins arrived here in manila at around 4 in the morning. i slept at 11 last night and i had to get up at around 5:30 to greet them. saturdays are usually my rest days. i sleep all day and put off my homeworks until the next day but i guess that won't happen for the next 3 weeks. i'd have to get up early instead of my usual habit of waking up at 11.
this morning, we went out for breakfast. for the first time in months, i pigged-out and ate a lot for breakfast. oooh. i was bloated. hahaha.
basically, what my cousins want to do is to shop and shop and shop. of course i'd have to go with them and woohoo! i get to shop for myself too! nyahaha. but i can't spend the money that i've been saving since the opening of classes. i have to buy myself a new pair of glasses because i can't see from the back now. everything's a blurr from my seat. probably by september or october, i'll get myself a new one already.
as i've said, i've always loved fridays but yesterday wasn't exactly how i wanted my favorite day to be. my mom didn't go to work so she was around when i got home from school. i like spending my fridays alone. that way, i can do whatever i want without anybody following me around and checking on me. last night, i wasn't feeling very well. i felt irritated, i felt tired, i felt sleepy. i just wanted to be left alone but that's not how it goes here in our house when our mom, or parents for that matter are home. the there are times when i would think to myself that i have no right to feel something against my mom. she's my mom for crying out loud. i won't be here if it wasn't for her. the only thing is, i grew up without her. basically, when we started to live with her already, i knew little about her. so that was the whole reason why we weren't really close -even up to now. i keep on telling myself that i should just give her instead whatever it is that i'm regretting to not have been able to do to my father because of the lack of time. i've loved my father so much and i guess the least i can do is to show that love to my mom as well but it's hardly the same. for some reason, i can't. i always feel that there is a wall between us that serves as a hindrance to our relationship. she once admitted that the one wrong thing with our family is that there is almost no conversation. i actually disagree. one thing that keeps a family worth being with is the sympathy and understanding. as long as you try understand each other, you can communicate and pacify one another. there is a language that does not depend on words. in one way or another, you can communicate upon loving, trusting and understanding your family.
when i was a kid, i've always wanted to have a complete family so bad. that was the only thing that i've prayed so hard for. i got jealous seeing my classmates with their moms during family day, playing games or changing their shirts or wiping their foreheads. or during recognition day, they would wave and scream, 'mommy!!' to the audience as they stood up on the stage. i never experience that during my childhood days. now that i'm with my mom, i can't do that any longer. i've already grown and the way i think and see the world is already different. sometimes, it's hard to understand the things happening around you. the world seems to conspire with each other and pick on you, smash you with a big giant fist. and then you get lost. you try to stand up but it's like you're glued to the black cold floor. you stay there for a long time, thinking that the world stopped. but on second thought, it didn't. you seem to see another light -a light at the end of the tunnel so it's called. then God brings you to life once again. you seem fine already, but the tragedy that happened keeps on haunting you. and you are never the same...

third post

2004-07-02T03:14:00.000-07:00

orayt. hooray, it's my third post. nyahahhaa. okay, first of all, i'm worried. my brother was downloading something and walah! the computer just turned off! (or maybe my toe accidentally pushed the reset button...) i'm scared. he's going to get pretty mad about this...oh no.
anyway, it'a friday -my favorite day of the week. i get to put my mind off school work for a while. i've had too much headaches for one week. hahaha.
we had an english long test a while ago. it wasn't really that hard. actually, it was easier than i expected. good thing our teacher didn't quite stick to his five-minute-test custom. wow. hooray. he gave us more than 5 minutes to answer the whole long test.
i'm currently listening to a song that reminds me of a lot of things. actually, i don't want to hear it anymore but since he messaged me through friendster, the feelings are all coming back. i used to love talking to that guy. he seemed so friendly, so "big-brotherly". it was only through him that i realized that calling someone 'kuya' is not just for the sake of it. i mean, when you call someone 'kuya' just because of the mere fact that he's older than you are, it's different when you address him as such because you feel as if he is indeed a big brother to you. you seem closer to him and it feels like you love the person already for having been a part of your life. we lost in touch for months and i tried to get him off my mind since then. even if he always makes me feel special, i'm still a nobody to him. so there i was, you know, just pretending not to miss talking to the person, pretending i don't feel special around him. i started to get used to it that i was no longer pretending. then, he enters my life again like some sort of superhero wanting to save the day. well, in the beginning, i felt a bit irritated. i didn't want to hear from him again but he seemed like a disturbing past, slowly haunting me. since then, i started to ignore the feeling. i treated him as my friend -no longer a big brother. real brothers stay. they don't misplace you for months and then get back to you when things get a little boring in their lives.
that's really how things work for me sometimes. it all starts in one song.
anyway, (this is about another person...) for the past few nights, i haven't said goodnight. actually, i haven't texted him even one message. i hope he was listening during the lecture in cl the other day so he can understand. the thing is, since i'm not sure about a lot of things. why then would i say something uncertain? it's like proposing something you don't even have yet. that doesn't seem so right.
we had a first friday mass this morning. every single time the priest would have a homily, it always has something to do with us students. of course, what do you expect? he's a school chaplain. i just hope that everyone absorbs the things he's saying. i just hope his words don't enter on one ear then out right away on the other.
according to the gem people, the stats was quiz hell. a lot of them cried and that was one convincing proof that it was really hard. after that, i suddenly had this feeling that i don't want to go to school anymore. it feels as if our happy days were finally up because tests and grades are here and it's time for them to take over our lives. well, even if they do, we'd still get by. just like the other years in the past, we'll get through this one as well. yeah sure, it's not going to be easy but we'll get through it.
ok, uh.. there's one more thing that i want to say but since my classmates are reading this, i'd rather not. hahahah. secret ko na yun. nyahahahaha. :D well, there goes my third post!

second post

2004-07-01T02:56:00.000-07:00

it's exactly 5:55 pm and once again, my tummy's making funny noises. despite the fact that i ate something heavier than the usual sky flakes, my stomach seems to be empty again, impatiently wanting to be satisfied.
ok, sabi nila masyado daw straight ung first post ko kaya eto, lagyan natin ng konting pagka-konyo at tagalog. hahahaha.
i've always thought of mr delos santos as this strict, tedious and this very conservative cl teacher, but i guess a while ago's lesson was a lecture that can strongly oppose to my first impression of him.
"everyone deserves the best person in the world. if we think that he's still not the best, then don't consider having a relationship for now. we have to give time and space for maturity."
there's really no direct connection about this thing that i'm going to mention, but i think i should include it here. (pipay, this is for you: haha.) i once read that there's nothing wrong with loving a person. what makes it difficult is when we start to expect something in return. we can love someone all our lives. that person is actually very lucky to be loved by someone like us especially if our intentions are sincere. we can love someone forever but if it's not meant to pursue, we shouldn't ask why but rather just take reality as it is. we can't do anything about it. what's written is written. of course our lives will not stop if the person we've been loving all our lives doesn't feel the same way. sometimes, love means letting go even if you want a person to stay. sometimes, love means asking less even if you want more. sometimes, love means moving on even if there is still a reson to stay. sometimes, we just have to be thankful that God gave us the oppurtunity to love this much. it's always better to have loved someone and failed than to not have been able to love at all. (halata bang nagbabasa ng love notes sa inquirer? hahahha. lol. ui isang beses lang un! hahahaha.)
i know that there are still lot of things i'll have to go through, i'll have to take into consideration and prioritize. i've always thought that i'm not supposed to be sure with this thing because i'm still too young to differentiate different feelings from one another. i've always thought that i have to wait because tomorrow may have the answers that i've been incessantly asking myself. i think this thing is ok. there's no commitment anyway, right? so if something goes the wrong way, it won't be anyone's fault. there is always someone for you no matter who you are. sometimes, you have to meet a lot of people first so that you'll know the feeling when it's already there. i guess the reason is because you have to commit mistakes too in your life -mistakes that you can learn from.
another thing that hit me during our cl lecture was the impatience and the rushing in a relationship and even in marriage. i never knew what exactly happened between my parents but if i were to blame someone, it'd be the both of them. for one, if they would fight most of the time, why did they even get married? they made a promise in front of the altar yet it was broken. although 3 children were a result of their love, i guess they weren't able to keep it together after some years. i would often ask myself if they ever regretted their decision, but i guess not. my mom's so much happier now -that i can really tell. i guess there's nothing wrong if i say that my dad was pretty impatient especially if it's the truth. well, he was a bit cantankerous but that was the only problem about him. he raised up 3 kids on his own and i can tell that he did a perfect job considering he took all the responsibilities of a single parent. actually, he did even more than that. he did things that was even beyond a father's capacity. he only wanted the best for us and he loved us more than anything else. i miss him a lot. i miss him terribly. i miss him more than my words can say. i miss him every single day of my life.
wow. this was pretty long. tomorrow is another day and i can't wait to see what's in store for me. woohoo. hahaha. life is indeed full of surprises.

first post

2004-06-30T04:08:00.000-07:00

it's a wednesday and the days seem to go by without me even noticing it. anyway...
first of all, i'm hungry. i usually eat dinner before or at 7 pm. no wonder my tummy's making funny noises. it's way overdue.
classes were suspended for the grade school students only a while ago. my mom told me that it must have been quite a bummer for me because she knows how much i hate waking up early in the morning. well actually, that was before. for some reason, ever since school started, i've been always looking forward to the mornings wherein i'd see darkness and soon, witness the sun as it becomes visible over the horizon to light up the earth. the light will then fill my whole room and i will be convinced that it is another wonderful day.
this morning however, was not exactly how i've always pictured my sun-filling-my-whole-room-kind of-days. it was raining outside and the wind was blowing hard, continually caressing me with its chilling touch. i was actually awakened not by my alarm but by my door slightly thumping on the threshold (what do you call that thing? the border thingy? hahahha ). since my doorknob was broken, we had to take it out over the weekend so i had to put a chair to stop my door from opening but because of the strong wind, the chair wasn't able to hold the door. i got up to fix it and put a little load on the chair. i tried to go back to sleep but i couldn't any longer so i started to browse my notes in science since we were scheduled for a quiz a while ago.
speaking of that quiz, i can't believe how stupid i was. we had a review before we took the quiz and i was prepared but because of my stupidity and mediocre brain, i'm guaranteed to have around 5 mistakes already. i felt so irritated and my classmate tried to pacify me by saying that it wasn't really something to get all hysterical about. after all, it was just the first quiz. for a minute or two, i still insisted upon my stupidity but then it started to slip out of my mind and i started to care about it less.
our first subject was stats. honestly, i enjoy that subject a lot (along with biology) but i hate it when we have to do homeworks on those summation notation thingies. when i got home, that was the first thing i did -our stats homework. dude, i felt (and i still can!) my head spin in different directions and i am not kidding.
in algebra a while ago, i couldn't help but raise an eye brow on the over head projector screen. for one, i couldn't perfectly understand what our teacher was trying to explain. it was about those freaking algebra tiles again. i really don't understand why we have to learn about those stuff but i can't do anything about it. it's part of what my mom's working hard for. we had a seatwork. i didn't exactly use the formula our teacher explained. i used an easier one that i learned from our previous teacher/adviser, mr joe fabian. i must say, no one can ever compare to him. he is a living legend and i look up to him so much.
ok, what else? uh.. well, i guess that's about it for now. my tummy's really furious right now, demanding me to eat dinner. also, i can smell the sweet aroma of food. food glorious fooD!! haha. i'll just write again later after i eat if i remember something that i should add.
this is my first post. oh yeah.